What God Teaches in Wilderness, Part 1

“Wilderness: What & Why?”

Remember how the LORD your God led you through the wilderness for forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would really obey his commands. [Deuteronomy 8:2 NLT]

He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you.
[Deuteronomy 8:15-16 NIV]

Note: Graham Cooke has said that what happens in spiritual “ebb” or seasons of “hiddenness” is just as important as what God does in the “flow” of His manifest Presence, evident blessings, answered prayer, etc. This posting begins a series on “What God Teaches in the Wilderness.”

A "wilderness" is defined as a wild and desolate place, such as a desert or a forest - uncultivated by man, and inhabited only by untamed creatures. As such, we often think of the wilderness as a lonely, frightening or dangerous place; yet, if we picture some of the protected wilderness areas of North America, for example, we may also associate the word "wilderness" with a place of great beauty.

The Bible has a lot to say about wilderness experiences, so in the next few postings we’ll look at how spiritual wilderness, although it may seem terribly lonely or frightening at times, is designed to be a place of transformation and encounter with the beauty of God. If you find yourself in a "wilderness experience," take heart, you're in good company: Moses and the children of Israel, David, the apostle Paul, and Jesus Himself (to name only a few) - all spent time in desert places on their way to fulfilling God's promises for their lives.

One day Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee, and he was baptized by John in the Jordan River. And when Jesus came up out of the water, he saw the heavens split open and the Holy Spirit descending like a dove on him. And a voice came from heaven saying, "You are my beloved Son, and I am fully pleased with you." Immediately the Holy Spirit compelled Jesus to go into the wilderness. He was there for forty days, being tempted by Satan. He was out among the wild animals, and angels took care of him. [Mark 1:9-13 NLT]

Some wilderness treks are self-initiated; others are led by God. Jesus was God's sinless and beloved Son, yet He was “compelled” (different translations say "led," "taken," "sent," "driven," or "made to go") by the Holy Spirit into the wilderness. The children of Israel prolonged their desert journey through unbelief, rebellion and disobedience; but even sin doesn’t have to keep us wandering aimlessly forever - Psalm 139 tells us that God is with us everywhere. We may feel lost or "bewildered," but all we need to do is turn to Him ("repent") and He is there. [Isaiah 55:7]

As we look to God, spiritual wilderness – that place between promise and fulfillment, lacking familiar comforts or man-made props to lean on – can be a place of great purpose and preparation for our God-given destiny. It is usually a time of testing and transformation that leads us into the next phase of what God is calling us to do.

Essential Lessons Learned in the Wilderness
Moses’ instructions to the children of Israel as they prepared to enter their Promised Land [e.g., verses from Deuteronomy 8 above] describe humility, obedience, and conscious dependence on God (not on worldly strength or our own self-effort) as crucial to fulfilling their destiny as God’s people – essential lessons learned in the wilderness. To glorify God, we must first be convinced of our own inability to succeed apart from Him, and come into a place of “abiding” in His Presence (see John 15). True success is achieved as we fulfill what He created us to do (not just the status, safety, security, or achievements valued by the world). As we yield to God’s Spirit, His Love and power are displayed through our lives, revealing who He really is to the people around us.

It is not that we think we can do anything of lasting value by ourselves. Our only power and success come from God. [2 Corinthians 3:5 NLT]

Another benefit of the wilderness is testing, which brings both purity and strength – like precious metals tested by fire.

Do you see what I've done? I've refined you, but not without fire. I've tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction. [Isaiah 48:10 MSG]

Progressive exposure to danger, wild beasts or military foes, develops our skills for lasting victory. God didn’t take the children of Israel into the Promised Land by the shortest route [Exodus 13:17-18], or drive out their enemies all at once. Each step of obedience in the face of conflict strengthens and prepares us for the next battle, establishing our ability to possess our promises long-term.

I [God] will send the hornet ahead of you to drive the Hivites, Canaanites and Hittites out of your way. But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land. I will establish your borders from the Red Sea to the Sea of the Philistines, and from the desert to the River. I will hand over to you the people who live in the land and you will drive them out before you. Do not make a covenant with them or with their gods. Do not let them live in your land, or they will cause you to sin against me, because the worship of their gods will certainly be a snare to you.

[Exodus 23:28-33 NIV]

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Transformation of identity also takes place in the wilderness. Jesus’ identity was established first by the Father’s voice (“You are My beloved Son”), then through confrontation and challenges by the enemy (“If you are the Son of God…”). David learned confidence in God as a boy defending his father’s sheep, which became the courage to bring down Goliath and eventually defeat Israel’s enemies on the battlefield. In the wilderness, David became a man, then a warrior, and a king.

He trains my hands for war until my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

[Psalm 18:34 CJB]
Blessed be the Lord my Rock, Who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle—

[Psalm 144:1]

Transformation of identity also requires the death of old patterns of thinking or behavior. Moses, raised as a prince in Egypt, spent 40 years tending sheep on the backside of the desert; after this season of humbling, he encountered the Lord and rose up to deliver Israel through God’s supernatural power. In the book of Exodus, we see a generation of Israelites who had been slaves in Egypt dying off to make room for a new generation of warriors who would take possession of the Promised Land. Caleb and Joshua, who obeyed the Lord fully, transitioned through the wilderness from captivity to freedom.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. [Romans 12:2 NKJ]

God builds things into us in the wilderness that help us to transition from the past into our future. Inner transformation brings us to the place where we are ready to make a difference on this earth - truly dependent on God, not on the world or even ourselves - ready to act and fulfill our calling.

As we encounter and follow the Lord through our wilderness experiences, we don't have to feel "lost," afraid or alone. In closing, I’ve quoted the full text of Isaiah 35 (below) – some beautiful promises regarding the wilderness! Next week we'll look at the beauty of the wilderness as a place of supernatural provision, a place of divine guidance, and a place of loving intimacy with the Lord.

Even the wilderness will rejoice in those days. The desert will blossom with flowers. 2 Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy! The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon, as lovely as Mount Carmel's pastures and the plain of Sharon. There the LORD will display his glory, the splendor of our God. 3 With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands, and encourage those who have weak knees. 4 Say to those who are afraid, "Be strong, and do not fear, for your God is coming to destroy your enemies. He is coming to save you." 5 And when he comes, he will open the eyes of the blind and unstop the ears of the deaf. 6 The lame will leap like a deer, and those who cannot speak will shout and sing! Springs will gush forth in the wilderness, and streams will water the desert. 7 The parched ground will become a pool, and springs of water will satisfy the thirsty land. Marsh grass and reeds and rushes will flourish where desert jackals once lived. 8 And a main road will go through that once deserted land. It will be named the Highway of Holiness. Evil-hearted people will never travel on it. It will be only for those who walk in God's ways; fools will never walk there. 9 Lions will not lurk along its course, and there will be no other dangers. Only the redeemed will follow it. 10 Those who have been ransomed by the LORD will return to Jerusalem, singing songs of everlasting joy. Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be overcome with joy and gladness. [Isaiah 35:1-10]

Resting & Running

So there is a special rest still waiting for the people of God. For all who enter into God’s rest will find rest from their labors… Let us do our best to enter that place of rest.
[Hebrews 4:9-11a NLT]

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple.
[Psalm 27:4 NIV]

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” [Psalm 46:10 NIV]

The following is another point from my “spiritual interpretation” of the movie “Secretariat” (see last week’s posting “Free to Run!”) – I thought this important subject deserved its own posting:

After Secretariat won the 1973 Preakness (2nd race of the Triple Crown), trainer Lucien Laurin had to decide whether the horse needed to rest or run in preparation for the final race at Belmont. In the movie, Laurin tells owner Penny Chenery that, while either choice was arguably a good one, choosing the wrong strategy for that particular racehorse at that particular moment could have been disastrous. History proves that Laurin made the right decision by continuing to let Secretariat run hard each day leading up to his record-breaking Triple Crown victory at Belmont.

“Resting & Running” in Christ takes more than just natural wisdom, which tells us we all need physical and psychological rest – adequate sleep at night, a vacation once in a while, and a healthy balance of work and play - along with discipline & hard work, to do our best. Spiritual “rest” has to do with refraining from our own efforts, and consecrating our time to focus on intimacy with God. A classic example of this kind of “rest” is Mary of Bethany, who put listening to Jesus first, unlike her sister Martha, who was busy and distracted [Luke 10:38-42, also see blog link at the end of this posting]. When we take time and make room in our lives for spiritual rest, we hear God’s heartbeat, and He releases us to run with Him – sometimes with miraculous results.

I was reminded of another “horse story” as I prepared to write this posting – a vision of missions I heard Heidi Baker share at a 2005 conference called “Show Me Your Glory.” Heidi said she saw the saints of God (“saints” meaning “holy believers” - people who have given their lives to Jesus Christ), seated two-by-two in horse-driven chariots, ready to go all over the world - and Jesus was holding all the reins. She said these people were transparent, and they had huge hearts which completely filled their chests, and their hearts were beating in rhythm with the heartbeat of Jesus.

During that service, I was lying on the carpet in front of the altar, “resting in the Lord,” after graduating from a one-week “Soaking Prayer School” earlier that evening. I felt as if the presence of God rested on us like a warm blanket while Heidi spoke. When she got to the “altar call” (I was already there :)), she asked: “Who will get in the chariots of the Lord and go wherever He tells you, letting Jesus hold all the reins?” I was feeling so cozy and close to God, I responded happily, “I will!” As I write this, I have to laugh, because in 2008-2009 I went on mission trips to 9 countries in 18 months! I remember losing focus for one weary moment just before the last trip – and it seemed like the Lord reminded me, with a smile, how I’d volunteered at that altar in 2005!

So how do we know when to rest and when to run? "Running a victorious race" in Christ begins with intimacy in prayer, worship, spending time with God, meditating on His Word, soaking in His Presence and drinking of His Spirit. Quoting Deuteronomy 6:5, Jesus said that loving God with all of your heart, soul and strength is the first and greatest commandment [Mt 22:34-40, Mk 12:28-34; Rev 2:1-7]. Heidi Baker says it this way: “Fruitfulness flows out of intimacy.” Snuggled in close to His chest, we hear God’s heartbeat for ourselves and others; from there, we move out in His grace, to accomplish extraordinary things, both great and small. Saturated in His Presence, we become “the fragrance of Christ” to a lost and dying world.

Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.

[John 12:3 NIV]

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But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of Him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task?

[2 Corinthians 2:14-16 NIV]

Spiritual rest and spiritual running can seem wildly impractical to the flesh or natural mind, which values human reasoning and self-protection, "the things of men" more than "the things of God" [Isaiah 55:8-9, Mt 16:23, Mk 8:33]. Spending time in His presence – worshipping and waiting on Him - when there’s so much to be done (even, in human religious terms, “for Him”), can seem like a lavish, extravagant waste of time. Likewise the risks, expenses, real and imagined dangers of bringing His light into dark places – whether across the street or across the world. How does it "make sense" to be a missionary, or a preacher, or just to "smell like Jesus" around people who don't know Him (yet)? 9 countries in 18 months might be a little bit crazy, unless God sends you. Do we think like Judas, who complained about the cost of Mary's perfume? or will we "waste" ourselves on God so He can lavish His Love in us, on us, and through us to the world?

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If Lucien Laurin had made the wrong decision, Secretariat could have been injured, lost the race, or even died of a heart attack – Penny Chenery would have lost her farm, her family, and everything she owned. I’m not attributing their choices to God, I’m just saying: I’m inspired to believe that God can put impractical, “impossible” things in our hearts, and give us the grace and strength to fulfill His glorious plans in our lives. Are we resting and running with Him? Victorious Christian living flows out of intimacy with God, dwelling in the secret place of His heart, then running forward at His command, refreshed and carrying His Presence.

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Lover: You who dwell in the gardens with friends in attendance, let me hear your voice!
Beloved: Come away, my lover, and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the spice-laden mountains.
[Song of Solomon 8:13-14 NIV]

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“Untame My Heart” - Song by Jessie Rogers

Untame my heart

Cause me to run wild and free
In the love You have for me.
Open my eyes
Let me look upon Your beauty
As if it was the first time
I'd seen it.
Let me see You again
Let me love You
Like I used to
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Renew my mind
To the way it was before
Oh, my Lord, I want to think about You
All the time.
Capture my gaze
Be my only Love and my true Passion
If only I could ask You this one thing:
Let me worship You forever
Let me dwell with You
All of my days

And dance with me again
Let the angels tell each other
Heaven's playing our song
Wrap me in Your arms
Sweep me off my feet into Your presence
Ravished by You
Ravished by You

Unveil my face
Offer Your hands to me my Bridegroom
Take me back to Your place

And dance with me again

Let the angels tell each other

Heaven's playing our song

Wrap me in Your arms

Sweep me off my feet into Your presence

Ravished by You

Ravished by You

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/out-of-the-fire/id278943111

While I was googling the song “Untame My Heart” (didn’t find any free audio), I came across a blog that used these lyrics as a starting point for some simple, honest & (I thought) pretty cool remarks about experiencing a more intimate relationship with God. I don’t know the author, I just read this one posting as God was touching my heart through the song and restoring my “first love” for Jesus. Here’s the link (the article starts below the song lyrics):

http://mary-hess.blogspot.com/2009/11/untame-my-heart.html

Free to Run!

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us.

[Hebrews 12:1 NLT]

Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free…So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”

[John 8:31-36 NIV]

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

[2 Corinthians 3:17 NIV]

Has God ever spoken to you through a movie? I saw the new Disney film "Secretariat" on Saturday 10/9, and experienced something powerful during the final scene showing the 1973 Belmont Stakes – yes, it’s the climax of the movie and portrays one of the most memorable moments in sports history, but I found myself shaken with weeping and sensed that God had downloaded something to my spirit that went beyond mere human reason or emotion. I felt that God was touching me purposefully through this movie, and I wondered… what was He saying or doing in my heart?

This movie is all about "heart," really: Secretariat’s persevering owner, Penny Chenery, perceives the horse’s potential and assembles a team who share the faith, skills and endurance to release this thoroughbred to run in his “impossible” destiny. Jockey Ron Turcotte is reported to have ridden his previous racehorse until its heart actually burst. Penny literally “bets the farm” on what's in her heart: at one point, faced with over $6 million in estate taxes, she refuses to sell the horse for $8 million because she believes Secretariat can do what hadn’t been done in 25 years (win the Triple Crown); he outruns her expectations and does things that haven't been done in 37 years since. I found another interesting “heart” fact in Wikipedia: at the end of Secretariat’s life, a necropsy revealed that his heart was about two-and-a-half times the size of an average horse’s heart.

My friends know that I can find spiritual lessons in just about anything – it’s true. So here are a few more things I noticed: the horse that threatens to beat Secretariat in each of the 3 Triple Crown races is called “Sham.” (Sham actually beats Secretariat in the race just before the Triple Crown, but it turns out Secretariat was sick that day with an abcessed tooth.) Sham looks like a significant threat, with lots of bullying words at press conferences from Sham’s owner; nonetheless, Penny and her team stay the course. In the first two races, Secretariat comes from behind to beat Sham by 2 ½ lengths each time; in the 3rd race, the Belmont Stakes, Secretariat breaks into his history-making run and wins by 31 lengths, while an exhausted Sham finishes last. Oh, and the music on the movie soundtrack during that race? Ha! (I’m not making this up): “O Happy Day” – you’ve heard the lyrics - “when Jesus washed my sins away!”

So what does all this mean to me? Not what the moviemakers intended, but what made me weep uncontrollably during that final scene? I think it has to do with something God put in my heart when I became His child – the day I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. God renewed my heart and took sin out of my way. That day, I reconnected with my Creator – Almighty God filled me with His Spirit and set me free to run with Him into eternity. This movie speaks to me about fulfilling our destiny in Christ – the things we are born to do, which look “impossible” to the world, because they are born of God. [John 1:12-13, 3:5-8]

Here's how St. Paul describes the reality I experienced that day - notice how thoroughly the powers that previously opposed and hindered me in life were vanquished at the Cross:

“When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; He took it away, nailing it to the Cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, He made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the Cross."[Colossians 2:13-15 NIV]

Contrary to many popular “inspirational” or religious teachings, the Cross of Jesus Christ is not irrelevant to “unleashing your potential,” “finding your true calling” or “fulfilling your destiny.” It is through Jesus Christ that God and His original purposes for humanity are revealed and restored:

We look at this Son and see the God who cannot be seen. We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels - everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him. [Colossians 1:15-16 MSG]

Many Christian churches also fail – whether through ignorance or deception – to teach believers how to live fully, genuinely and purposefully in the grace of God. Jesus purchased more for us on the Cross than a free pass to heaven after a lifetime of stumbling and confusion here on earth!

See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.[Colossians 2:8-10 NIV]

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Back to the movie & more “fun facts” from Wikipedia: “Sham” was a dark brown horse whose “preferred running style was that of a stalker.” Sham, to me, represents the darkness that tries to intimidate us - including illusory man-centered ideals and flimsy belief systems which deny the reality of God in Christ. Sham is a counterfeit reality that comes in “second place” at best, and is utterly lost in the “final” race. This is what the LORD says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD... But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him.” [Jeremiah 17:5, 7 NIV]

Although the fullness and freedom of the Holy Spirit rightfully belong to them in Christ, the faith of many worldly-minded Christians withers as their own efforts toward self-improvement fail due to the weakness of their flesh; some fall into discouragement or despair. Christians who look, think and act like the world tend to live unhappily entangled in compromises and secret shame; sin is not their true nature in Christ, but they are unable to extricate themselves on their own power.

Oh, foolish Galatians! What magician has cast an evil spell on you? For you used to see the meaning of Jesus Christ's death as clearly as though I had shown you a signboard with a picture of Christ dying on the cross. Let me ask you this one question: Did you receive the Holy Spirit by keeping the law? Of course not, for the Holy Spirit came upon you only after you believed the message you heard about Christ. Have you lost your senses? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort? [Gal. 3:1-3 NLT]

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While I was listening to Roy Field's version of the song "Free to Run" (see links below), I got to thinking about the Lakeland (Florida) Outpouring in 2008. A lot has already been written – with varying degrees of accuracy – about the weaknesses of young leaders who were thrust into the limelight as up to 10,000 people from all over the world attended 2 or 3 revival services each day for 5 months, with millions more touched through live GOD TV satellite broadcasts – until the lead evangelist’s marriage failed under the pressures of separation from family, media attention, etc.

Godly character and spiritual maturity are important; it takes a lot of wisdom to walk in the power of God's anointing without stumbling, and hopefully we all learned some things from Lakeland. And, in spite of the mistakes, I am very grateful for something I think those guys did right: they challenged us to rise up and be who we are in Christ. Those rough young ministers kicked the door down on "church as usual" where Christians only try to be “good people” in ways that don’t require Jesus at all. They reminded us that we are supernatural people, with a powerful destiny in Christ. And it was clear that there was a global hunger for the reality, power & presence of the living God.

So - if the powerful gifts of the Holy Spirit don’t exempt us from stumbling - how do we live fully, genuinely and purposefully in the grace of God? Are we left to simply “try our best,” perhaps asking forgiveness over and over for the same sins? Or is there more to God’s grace than this?

As important as it is to “walk our talk,” human efforts alone tend toward either pride or pretense. It isn’t our “goodness” the world needs to see - it’s “Christ in you, the hope of glory.” [Colossians 1:27, italics mine] When Jesus said, “No one is good – except God alone” [Luke 18:19], He wasn’t making a hopeless statement; He was inviting a young man to surrender his life so completely that God could manifest His goodness through him. Walking in the fullness of our destiny requires the power of the Holy Spirit and enough brokenness and transparency that God’s glory shines through us. [Galatians 2:20].

Secretariat’s racing style, up until his break-out run at Belmont, was to start at the back of the pack and then come from behind. This speaks to me of humility. “But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” [Mark 10:31 NIV] Scripture says repeatedly, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” [Proverbs 3:34, James 4:6, I Peter 5:5] I’d like to conclude with a few remarks about a man of God who walked in his destiny, anointed by God’s Spirit, with both humility and heart.

David knew what it was to “come from behind” - the youngest of 8 sons was left outdoors when the prophet Samuel came to anoint him king [1 Samuel 16]. He developed intimacy with God while tending his father’s sheep; confidence in his Creator propelled him past his brothers' mocking to defeat Goliath. Years of persecution in the wilderness prepared him to vanquish the enemies of Israel, where he reigned as king for 40 years. God’s anointing didn’t exempt David from moral failures either, but he knew the way back to God was “a broken and contrite heart.” [Ps 51:17] In Psalm 51, a repentant David asks the Holy Spirit to cleanse and re-create his innermost being - renewing and restoring joy and purity before God. In Acts 13:22, God Himself testifies of this man: “I have found David son of Jesse a man after My own heart, who will do everything I want him to do.”

Your true calling is found in Christ. The things you were created to do may or may not make the newspapers or the history books, but you will change world where you live as you let God's Spirit release you into your true identity as His child. To the rest of the world, and even to your own human understanding, it will look “impossible” because, apart from God, it is. You’ll need people with faith and skills to feed and train and help you be your best; but when you truly break free to run with all that God has put in your heart by His Spirit, you’ll leave that worldly “Sham” far behind in the dust. Your destiny is to reveal “Christ in you,” the glory of God in your life.

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“I Am Free” - Song Lyrics by Jon Egan

Through You the blind will see / through You the mute will sing / through You the dead will rise / through You all hearts will praise / through You the darkness flees / through You my heart screams I am free

I am free to run / I am free to dance / I am free to live for You / I am free

Through You Your kingdom come / through You Your will be done / through You my heart will praise / through You I’m not afraid / through You, the price was paid / through You my heart screams I am free

I am free to run / I am free to dance / I am free to live for You / I am free

Related Links:

(1) Michael Gungor, “I Am Free” CD: Battle Cry: Worship from the Front Lines – I think of this version as the “national anthem” of revival (are we not a “holy nation” in Christ?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUlKnKvH8yo
http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/battle-cry-worship-from-frontlines/id361062997

(2) Roy Fields, “I Am Free” CD: In the Presence of Angels – 2008 studio release includes encouraging spoken exhortation. I like the name of Roy & Melanie’s ministry: “Run With Fire!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spPDnSmTcGI http://www.royfieldsmusic.com/products.php?product=In-The-Presence-of-Angels

(3) Photo below is from the movie, but YouTube link is the real Secretariat win at Belmont 1973
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoFquax2F-k

Testimony, Part 4F - Can Openers & Catamarans

That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.
[Romans 8:28-30 MSG]

Continued from last week…
The following “Epilogue” concludes a 6-part story that began on 9/8/10 (Testimony, Parts 4A-F).

Can Openers

One evening in August 2007 – after the “river prophecy” in July (see 9/29/10) and before Mario’s passing in September (see 10/6/10), when the outcome of his story was still very unclear to me – I was in Seattle on business, and called a friend from my hotel. I told her I could see how God had used me to share Christ with Mario for a season, but I was still struggling with the pain and confusion I’d been through since he stopped talking to me. Couldn’t God have used someone else to speak to him about faith? Had it really been necessary for me to suffer so much hurt in the process?

As I tried to explain that perhaps it had to be me because of our former relationship etc., my friend interrupted and said, "Gina, God knew what it would take to open your heart."

The minute she said that, a picture came to my mind of a camp-style can opener (just a metal handle with a hooked knife-point on the end) puncturing the lid of a little tuna can, prying it upward just a bit. I knew she was right; I remembered how “shut down” I had been before Mario. I think God knew that neither of us would have opened up to a stranger; and, after he hung up on me, I refused to shut down again. I knew I was risking my heart by loving – and a broken heart is not the worst thing that can happen. Another friend said later, "Sometimes your heart breaks open."

Almost two years later, I was home alone and complaining to God that I really didn’t want to be single for the rest of my life. As I told Him how I felt, I “saw” the tuna can again, only this time there was one of those can openers with a knob that you wind all the way around the outside of the can and then lift the lid off entirely. I felt like God was saying, “OK, but here’s what we need to do… will you let Me continue to open your heart, so I can heal it completely?”

Sometimes we want a human relationship to ease our loneliness, when God wants to work His Love into our hearts in a deeper way so that we can be truly free to love as He loves. In Grace & Forgiveness, Carol Arnott shares what she felt God said to her, as she sought Him to restore her heart and repair her relationship with her mother: “If you are really serious about this, then give Me permission to dig in the garden of your heart. Give Me permission to show you the roots, to bring up situations you need to deal with one at a time.”

“Allowing God to dig in the garden of our hearts” isn’t endless introspection or perfectionist self-improvement; it’s simply saying “yes” to the ongoing work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts and lives – allowing Him to deal with whatever hinders Love, in His way and in His timing. It also doesn’t mean, when things get messy or painful, that we aren’t OK with God. As Pastor John Arnott says, "God loves you just the way you are, and He loves you too much to leave you the way you are."

As we yield to God in the midst of our imperfections, He uses us to shine His light in dark places and purifies our hearts at the same time. God used me in Mario’s life and gave me many beautiful gifts as well. He pried open my wounded heart and allowed me to feel beautiful and loved by a man for the first time in years. He restored parts of my identity that were buried in the past, and exposed the longings of my heart – even though relationship with Mario was not His long-term plan for fulfillment. Through that pain, I gave my life to God more fully; and He continues to heal and reveal His Love, even as His plans for my future come more clearly into view.

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place… Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. [Psalm 51:6, 10-12]

The Catamaran and the Master Builder

I’m not always happy with the concept of patience, so it helps when God gives me understanding that makes it easier to cooperate with what He's doing. As a Christian, I experience the work of His Spirit both internally – in my heart, mind, and emotions – and externally, in the circumstances of life. I’ve had several reminders in the past few years about the “step by step” nature of the journey, which help me to appreciate why some things He’s promised seem to take a long time coming. I like the 3 versions of James 1:4 quoted here:

The strength to keep going must be allowed to finish its work. Then you will be all you should be. You will have everything you need. [NIRV] And let steadfastness have its full effect… [ESV] But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. [NKJ]

A friend shared a “word picture” she got for me while we were talking recently which gave me some beautiful insights into how God is working in my life toward a long-term love relationship, and why the process seems to take so long. As I said above, sometimes we want human love to heal our hearts or fill the empty places God wants to fill with His Love. If God isn’t truly first in our lives and our hearts aren’t whole, we can easily be drawn off course in our human relationships.

My friend said she saw the Master at work, building a beautiful boat – she sensed the word “catamaran,” which meant nothing to either of us at the time, so I looked it up when I got home. I almost wept with joy as I read Webster’s Dictionary! A catamaran is a boat with two separate hulls that are joined together by a frame “from above,” and powered by a single sail. It’s a perfect picture of the kind of relationship God has often spoken to my heart - two unique individuals, flowing together as partners in ministry, joined by His hand and following His Spirit in the same direction.

One of the reasons I told Mario that fulfilling God's call on my life was "non-negotiable" is that I'd been touched by reading Rolland & Heidi Baker’s testimony, There Is Always Enough. As a young woman, Heidi knew she was called to work with the poor. She was engaged to a good Christian man whom she loved very much, but there was a problem: God had not called him to serve the poor overseas. Heidi says God asked her to lay aside her engagement and marry Rolland Baker, a third generation missionary. Rolland was 12 years older and not Heidi's first choice for a husband; her former fiancé was a godly man, but not God's man for her.

Heidi & Rolland's ministry has planted thousands of village churches among former Muslims in northern Mozambique, and touched countless people around the world. What if Heidi had only cared about her own ideas of happiness? Would she be as happy as the wife of a businessman in the U.S. as she is today? (LOL - I've heard her speak many times, so I know her answer is "No!") What about all the people whose lives have been transformed as Heidi & Rolland fulfill their God-given destiny? Some choices have consequences that reach far beyond our own individual lives.

Mario spoke Spanish and was willing to consider traveling with me to Central America from time to time - but marriage to Mario might have hindered my faith and quenched my spirit in significant ways. He could be terribly cynical, stubborn, and unforgiving - when I last saw him, he hadn't spoken to his father in 35 years. And I was a "sensitive princess" with a "Pollyanna" spirit! (see 7/9 & 9/29/10 postings) People can change, but only by choice; God doesn't make our choices for us, but He sees the end from the beginning. If we're wise, we'll ask Him for His plans.

Apart from God's wisdom, we tend to try to figure out how to make things fit our own desires, instead of letting God build our lives - putting all the pieces into place as He sees fit, and bringing any permanent connections "from above.” In spite of my heartache, eventually I felt God's hand of protection in preventing a relationship with Mario that would not have been His perfect will for me. "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain." [Psalm 127:1a NIV]

There was another part of this “word picture” that was very significant: my friend said it was clear to her that “the Master Builder” was not in any hurry to complete this work, because every piece of beautiful wood He put in place brought Him great joy. She said it was as if He would work on a piece of the boat, polishing it just so, and then stand back admiring what He had just done. He took great pleasure in each part of the process, not just the end result.

Do we want our lives to glorify God? A masterpiece takes time to create - it's not thrown together in haste. I'm finally willing to admit that some of the really painful parts - like sawing, sanding, pounding nails into place - are at least as important as rubbing smooth oil with a soft cloth over the finished surface to polish it.

God wants our hearts, and He enjoys working with us to make our lives His masterpiece. He's a brilliant craftsman, and He’s not in a hurry. He is pleased with what He's doing! He loves what He sees in us, every step of the way. And when the future arrives, it won't always be smooth sailing, but we'll be ready for the waves. We'll recognize the Master's touch by then - He is also the Sailor, and the Wind in our sails.

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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
[Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV]

Song by Klaus Kuehn, “Holy Spirit Move”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXyonuSas9A
CD: Healing Waters

Song by Kim Walker, “I Surrender”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trRMqPmpOh8
CD: Here Is My Song

P.S. God Heals the Past

Have you ever felt discouraged that you "can't change the past"? Well, you can't change what happened, but God can heal so that your feelings about what happened are completely different.

I experienced a healing like this in the summer of 2007: I was facing into a corner in my kitchen, about to open the refrigerator, when suddenly I remembered getting on a bus for Denver, when Mario & I were breaking up in the Fall of 1981. As that memory hit me, I was flooded with feelings of rejection and despair, mingled with profound sadness that he still refused to talk to me for all those months in 2007. The deep pain of that ancient wound was so dark and intense, I honestly felt, well, "cornered" where I stood. Recalling a spiritual exercise I'd been taught for "inner healing," I cried out - almost defiantly - "OK, Jesus, where were You?!"

In that moment, I "saw" Him getting on the bus ahead of me - smiling and waving, like "Come on! Let's go!" I was devastated by the break-up with Mario, but Jesus was happy and excited about going to Denver. Then it hit me: I "got saved" in Denver in January 1982. Jesus was excited about me getting on that bus because He knew that in a few short months I would meet Him there...

[Note to readers: I’m planning a break from “Personal Testimony” to write on other subjects for a few weeks – when we come back to my story, “Part 5” will pick up in Denver, Fall of 1981.]

Testimony, Part 4E - God's Higher Ways

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."

[Isaiah 55:9]

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

[II Corinthians 4:18 NIV]

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

[Psalm 147:3 NIV]

Continued from last week...
(see "Testimony, Part 4D - God's Guidance" 9/29/10)

Last week I wrote, "I let go of Mario, and continued to pray for him as a friend" - a simple sentence describing a difficult process which took nearly a year to unfold. Almost as soon as we "broke up," God began to speak to me about the kind of husband He has for me - a man of God and extraordinary kindness – Mario had many good qualities, but he was not that man. Knowing that God had a better plan for my future helped to ease my deep disappointment somewhat, but it didn't heal every hurt or answer every question immediately. I still cared about my dear friend in Colorado, who was very sick. I hoped we would talk again someday when he was feeling better, and resolve our relationship.

Meanwhile, I prayed. I broke ungodly soul ties (see model prayer, end of 9/8/10 posting) and laid my relationship with Mario "on the altar" – I surrendered him, my heart and my life to God, again and again. I talked to God honestly about my feelings and my struggles – Psalm 62:8 NKJ says, “pour out your heart before Him.” I think The Message version of this verse is even more clear: “trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be.”

In our goal-oriented society, we tend to define what we think we can in order to manage our lives; well-intentioned people oversimplify, and it’s difficult for any of us (myself included) to bear with ongoing situations we don’t understand. The couple I mentioned last week said I shouldn’t have gone to Colorado, and that my pain was a consequence of disobedience to God’s Word. I still believe God did send me to Colorado, although much grief resulted from emotions that went beyond His boundaries for this relationship. Another woman thought I still had Mario on my heart in May 2007 because I wouldn’t let go of false hopes. As much as it hurt, I knew I was willing to let go and move on – and I was going on with my life, day by day - so I kept listening to God, letting Him show me things that only He fully understood.

And God did show me things as I prayed: once I "saw" (in my mind) an image of water flowing through Mario, like the cleansing of a sewer system; another time, I “saw” his body covered with what looked like old stab wounds, so I prayed for healing of past emotional and relational hurts. I prayed for his relationship with God, for peace and strength through the treatment process, and for his recovery - not only from physical illness, but all the spiritual and psychological wounds of a lifetime. Try as I might to forget and "move on," I continued to sense that, when he came to mind, it was important to pray for him. I believed that God was saying that Mario was coming to the Lord, and when I asked Him if we would ever talk again as friends, I felt the answer was, “Yes.”

I didn't think of Mario continually (I really was trying to get on with my life), so it surprised me when I retrieved a voicemail on Saturday 9/15/07 saying that Mario had passed away the day before. His ex-wife had included me on a list of people to be notified in person; her sister called and left her phone number, so I called back for additional details. Mario had spent his last few weeks in the hospital, on a respirator, after surgery to drain excess fluid from around his heart and lungs. Although he was cancer-free, he could no longer breathe without being hooked up to a machine. I knew from our visit the previous year that he had signed a DNR and his ex-wife had Power of Attorney in his living will. She was present when he requested to be taken off life support, and he died peacefully. As I hung up the phone, I felt God whisper to me, “He knew what he was doing.” I would find out more later, but right then I believed that, at the moment he was taken off life support, Mario fully committed his life to God.

That evening I had a dinner meeting at church, and afterward the first waves of grief began to hit me. I didn’t want to go home alone without asking for prayer, so I spent a few minutes with a small group of friends who were just about to start their Saturday p.m. prayer meeting. As they laid hands on me and prayed in the Spirit, a dear friend began to speak what she felt the Lord was showing her, and as she spoke – with my eyes closed - I saw in my mind exactly what she was describing.

She said that when I came back into Mario’s life, it was as if his heart was a closed rose - like a large bud, tightly closed – and that, “as you loved him, Gina – even though you would never do this to a real flower, in the natural – you unfurled the petals of the rose.” She said that when the rose was completely open, it was perfect and very beautiful, then the dew of heaven rested on it, and two big angels came and carried it away to heaven.

When she finished speaking, I opened my eyes and said simply, without thinking, “Then my work is done.” In that moment, all the months of prayer, as well as our daily communication and relationship for the last quarter of the previous year - all of it made complete sense to me.

I'm thankful one of my sisters encouraged me to attend the memorial service the following week, even though Mario hadn't spoken to me in 9 months, and I was leaving for Guatemala on a mission trip the week after that. I had enough “skymiles” for a free plane ticket, my boss approved a couple of additional vacation days, and I was able to stay with my friends who had hosted me the previous year. It was wonderful to hear memories of Mario from his family and friends who had known him differently and during other periods in his life – there were, of course, so many similarities among the things we all remembered.

After the service, I spent time talking with Mario's ex-wife, who told me his Christian sister had visited him for a week in January, and then again in the hospital - she prayed with him before he died. (She wasn't able to attend the memorial service, because she and her husband were on a mission trip to Peru.) Mario also received "last rites" with a Catholic priest. Mario's ex was a Buddhist, so she wouldn't have shared the gospel with him, but her daily meditation kept her amazingly calm through those last weeks as she sat with him in the hospital, and God worked a beautiful reconciliation between them as friends.

I heard story after story about how God worked many beautiful aspects of healing into Mario's life that last year, even though "salvation" and "healing" didn't look exactly as I'd imagined or hoped it would. As I write this story, I'm reminded of my dream about the team of workmen on Cheyenne mountain (see 9/29/10) - "saving Mario" was too big a job for any one person except Jesus, but it seems like we all played a part in what God was doing in the end.

The morning after the memorial service - which rightly focused on Mario's family and friends who knew him in his daily life, much longer or more recently than I had - I found myself telling God, through tears, that I wished just one person could confirm to me, before I left town, that I had been important in Mario's life. That may sound silly, but it was such an intense relationship - 18 months of "crazy" love, strong enough to resurface 25 years later, only to end suddenly after a few months, without ever having had a chance to say goodbye. I was glad that my sister had encouraged me to attend the memorial service, but my heart cried out for some little sign that my own part in Mario's life had really made a difference.

On my way to the airport that day, I stopped by several places that had been significant in our relationship to "say goodbye." When I got to the radio station, I ran into one of Mario's friends who worked there - someone I'd only met the day before, who had known Mario for over 20 years. He'd been out of town and hadn't seen Mario since July, and said he was also struggling a little with not having said goodbye in person. I felt God answered my prayer when this man volunteered, "Oh, Gina, we all saw it, when you came back into his life last year. It was like a whole new Mario!" I laughed with relief, and told him how much that meant to me, since I'd only been with Mario for 18 months in 1980-81, and his marriage lasted 18 years. Of course the memorial service had focused on all those years I'd been absent from his life, and I could tell that his wife had qualities I didn't possess - I could never have played that role in his life long-term. But this guy really blessed me when he simply said, "Some people impact us as much in 18 months as 18 years."

Grief comes in waves, and letting go of a loved one is a process. A month later – on my 50th birthday, in fact – I received a card from Mario’s ex-wife which brought fresh tears to my eyes. A watercolor portrait of Mario was printed on the outside, and inside she thanked me, on behalf of herself and their son, for being a dear friend to Mario in his last year. She remarked how it “lifted his spirits” when I came back into his life, and wished me peaceful memories.

In the last two months of 2007, I read two books that also helped me to heal and let go. One was The Journey of Desire (republished more recently as Desire), which John Eldredge wrote during the year after his best friend died unexpectedly. The other was a vision of heaven written by Rebecca Springer around 1900 (currently in print as Within Heaven’s Gates), describing the continuity of life and relationships for those who die in Christ. The “eternal perspective” of those two books was deeply comforting. I would talk with my friend Mario again… in heaven.

Do we really want God’s plan for our lives? It will not always be what we think we want, but His purposes are truly good. [Romans 8:28-30] Are we willing to go His way, even if we stumble - like a baby learning to walk – and even if it hurts sometimes? “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.” [2 Corinthians 4:17 NKJ] The real "happily ever after" is knowing His Love forever, and letting Him direct everything in our lives toward that end. Our willingness to follow God, no matter what the cost, has eternal consequences – for ourselves and for others.

God’s thoughts are truly higher than ours, so we don’t understand everything He does in this life; but I Corinthians 2:9-16 says that He reveals and teaches us spiritual truth by His Spirit. Next week we’ll conclude with some wonderful lessons God taught me through this story.

To be continued...

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God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. [Ecclesiastes 3:11 NLT]

And if we have hope in Christ only for this life, we are the most miserable people in the world.
[I Corinthians 15:19 NLT]

The death of one that belongs to the Lord is precious in his sight.

[Psalm 116:15 NCV]

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Who can compare to You, my Lord?
You're everything that I adore

All of my life is in the palm of Your hand

All of my heart I give to You

All that I am and all I do
Who can compare to You?

"Who Can Compare" song by Jessie Rogers
CD: Out of the Fire

http://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/jessie-rogers/id278943117

Another favorite song: “My Romance” by worship leader Rick Pino: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ancg1FK533o

Christ for the Nations, CD: Glorious – tracks # 8 and # 11 http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/glorious/id269453412

Testimony, Part 4D - God's Guidance

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."

[Isaiah 55:9]

"Now we know only a little, and even the gift of prophecy reveals little! But when the end comes, these special gifts will all disappear...Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now." [I Corinthians 13:9-10,12 NLT]

Continued from last week...
(see "Testimony, Part 4c - The Teabag is in the Tea" 9/22/10)

I am thankful for all of the ways God speaks, without which so many things in life would make hardly any sense at all. He speaks through scripture (primarily), nature, dreams, visions, ideas, circumstances, and spiritual gifts like words of wisdom and knowledge that may be perceived in our own “quiet time” or spoken to us by other people. All these types of “clues” or signposts are described in the Bible, although discerning them accurately can be a murky business. God is pure light and truth, but His wisdom is so multi-faceted and complex, our imperfect human nature barely sees one step at a time. In my next two postings (9/29 & 10/6), we’ll explore some “ups & downs” of learning to follow God’s pathway through this life.

Words of Warning

Mario and I getting back together after 25 years was the kind of love story everybody wanted to end with "happily ever after." Friends, family, co-workers, baristas at my neighborhood Starbucks and medical staff at Mario's treatment center - everyone wanted us to work out. Well, maybe not everyone.

A couple of weeks after I got back from Colorado, a church member asked how my trip went. While I was happily describing the events of last week's posting, I could almost see the little black cloud over her head, ominously preparing to "rain on my parade," as they say. "I've been praying for you," she said. "I have a word from God for you, and it’s not what you want to hear."

OK, first of all – that is not a good way to start "a prophetic word." Here's my problem with that kind of language: are you prophesying my reaction before you let me hear the message? Or is that a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you alienate me in advance so I won't want to hear whatever you say next? I'm just kidding - sort of. Here's what I really think: no word from God is ever negative; even if it's correction or re-direction, it is always loving and true and for my good. So bring it on! If it's really from God, of course I want to hear what my loving heavenly Father has to say to me.

This lady felt strongly that I shouldn’t be involved with Mario. She pointed out that he didn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and scripture forbids being “unequally yoked.” [II Corinthians 6:14 – 7:1] I tried to explain that I hadn't slept with him or married him, and that God might build on his Catholic faith, but she was adamant: I was way too involved and this was not a good idea, God would not put me together with someone who didn't really know Him. Her husband also questioned the pastor's wisdom in blessing my trip to Colorado. (This couple later left our church over differences with church leaders on other unrelated matters).

Some of you may wonder why I listened at all. God uses imperfect people. We can miss God's heart or tone or timing in any number of ways - that doesn't necessarily mean that everything about the message is false. So, just in case God is trying to speak to me through an imperfect human being, I've learned to take things to God and ask Him what to do with what was just said. I don't automatically accept or reject a “prophetic word” without praying. I simply ask Him.

As the scripture above this posting tells us, prophetic understanding gives us little glimpses of the truth. And that's exactly what God showed me about this situation: this lady had a piece of the truth, like 1/12th of a pie or 5 minutes on the face of a 60-minute clock. Her piece happened to be a "dark cloud" on what otherwise looked like a mostly beautiful horizon. And if she'd understood that her piece of the truth was just that, a piece of the truth (not the whole), she might have communicated differently. She might have felt less like everything about this relationship was wrong, and she might have taken a different tone. Her piece of the truth didn't negate the other 55 minutes on the clock or 11 other slices of God's "big picture" pie.

But it was a legitimate warning: Mario didn't know God the way I did, and his priorities - his ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving - were not submitted to the Holy Spirit. It's not that I was “perfect” or better than he was - it's that I was trying to follow Jesus (as best I knew how), and he barely knew Him. You can read about Abraham Lincoln in a history book or see President Obama on TV - that doesn't mean you know them. Mario didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, so how could he follow Him? "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" [Amos 3:3]

I knew that my heart was deeply attached to a man who hadn’t fully committed his heart to God, and the future we were hoping for was not guaranteed. I didn’t think God was asking me to give up or withdraw from someone I loved in the middle of his cancer treatment. All I could see to do at this point was continue to pray and hope for the best with Mario, keeping my focus on God as much as possible. Ultimately, the future of this relationship was not in my hands.

Sliding Down the Mountain

I had a dream at the end of December that helped me understand what began to happen in November – I’m telling it here because it helps to summarize the next two months. In the dream, I was staying at a motel across from Cheyenne mountain, which is at the south end of Colorado Springs and littered with radio towers. The mountainside was beginning to shift, and workmen in hardhats were feverishly constructing cinderblock walls around the base of a very large radio tower to prevent it from sliding down the mountain. As I looked up at the scene, it dawned on me, and I said aloud, “That is way too big a job for me!” I thought maybe I could bring some coffee to the workmen - help out in some small way - but I knew full well in that moment that preventing the ultimate landslide was way beyond my own individual ability.

Most people go through a process of “coming to the end of themselves” which causes them to recognize their need for God, and it can be hard for loved ones to watch that happen. I believe that Mario’s life was “sliding down the mountain” and I was trying to save him, at least in part, so that I could have his love in the end. Mario’s medical team, friends and family also wanted him to get well, but ultimately none of us could control what was happening in his life. And only one or two of them (that I knew of ) were committed Christians: an old friend from his radio days who’d retired and moved north – they met for lunch in November, although Mario reported no deep spiritual conversation – and his youngest sister, who lived in Florida.

During my visit to Colorado – while God had his attention and he was so thrilled to see me –Mario told me he hadn’t spoken to his sister in 3 years because she'd “preached” at him after she got saved, quoting “chapter and verse” from the Bible on every phone call. Softened by circumstances, he understood when I explained that this was her way of expressing her love for him, by caring about his soul. When she called in November and they reconnected, I was so relieved! It felt like “the cavalry” had arrived - reinforcements. I was getting weary.

Mario’s chemo went well for the first two months, but then the effects of weekly treatments began to accumulate. By Thanksgiving, his hemoglobin and energy level plummeted. He labored to breathe during our nightly phone calls, so talking began to feel like a burden. It was hard not to worry about his health, and there wasn't much either of us could do for the other long-distance. The relationship began to feel unsteady.

One day he called me “Pollyanna” for encouraging him to believe that God answers prayer - recalling the little girl who brought joy to a town full of bitter people, I said I was OK with that. But Mario became surly more often, losing patience as his energy and strength diminished. Anxiety distracted me from God's peace. I felt like I was carrying a 300-lb man, and I was getting “out of breath,” spiritually and emotionally. “Saving Mario” was way too big a task for me.

Considering his health issues, I wish I’d had the patience and objectivity to step back without fear - but I didn’t. On December 1 (of course I remember the exact date), his emails took a curt and sarcastic tone, so I called him that evening to see what was bothering him. My concern only frustrated him further, and I found myself asking, defensively, “Do we need to take a break?”

He hesitated for a moment, and then decided. “Yes,” he said angrily, “That’s a great idea!” and he hung up the phone. I had a terrible feeling he might never call me again.

Staying in the River

If Mario had been able to say, “Gina, I’m sorry, I love you but I’m feeling so sick, I just don’t have the energy for a long distance relationship right now” – it probably would have hurt a lot anyway. But here was another imperfect human being, and he was struggling for life and breath. Mario fired off 3 angry emails that sounded nothing like the man who had been my best friend every day for the last 3 ½ months, saying “Gina’s crazy*** feelings” were too much for him, and it was over.

I was devastated. In my mind’s eye, I kept seeing Mario losing his balance and toppling over as the rug was pulled out from under him, and I wondered if I had done that – God seemed to be telling me, “It’s not your fault.” Having my hopes raised so high then suddenly dashed, the grief was enormous – I did six sessions with a counselor in December-January. She explained about “transitional” relationships and, coincidentally, had been rejected by a close friend herself when her cousin’s cancer took a turn for the worse. In prayer, I lay on the floor and cried before the Lord, who spoke to me through Isaiah 42:3 of His profound mercy and grace: “He will not crush those who are weak or quench the smallest hope. He will bring full justice to all who have been wronged.” I hoped that God wasn’t finished with all of this, but Mario needed to rest and get through his treatment. I let him go, and continued to pray for him as a friend.

Between January and July 2007, I received 3 more emails from Mario. Each one was a health report in response to a friendly email inquiry from me. The first two arrived on January 24, after his PET scan: “Tumor is almost gone.” When I praised God and asked about further treatment, he replied: “Next phase is a chemo injection once a week for six weeks, then once a month for six months - then take another scan.” I felt he wanted me to keep praying.

I didn’t hear anything more from Mario until July 7, when he replied to another “how are you doing?” with 3 paragraphs that sounded like they were copied from an e-newsletter to his other friends. He was cancer-free! But, as I re-read his email, I noticed - between the lines of cheerful gratitude for his medical team and supportive friends – he was homebound, on oxygen 24/7, with fluid around his heart. Still hopeful that the aftereffects of chemo would resolve, he concluded, “I'm telling you, since you've been pulling for me.” Whether or not that line had also been addressed to others, I sensed he was thankful for my prayers and asking me to continue.

On Sunday, July 29, 2007 – after a church conference in Toronto – the words in the following paragraph were spoken to me by a member of the TACF prophetic team. The woman who said these words had never met me before, and I’d told her nothing about myself or my situation – I just lined up for ministry, and she spoke what she felt the Holy Spirit gave her to say to me. Because this was recorded on cassette – a practice which allows visitors to pray and evaluate prophetic words at home – I was able to transcribe verbatim here. I’m sharing this for two reasons: (1) it still amazes me, as I write this story, how accurately these simple words spoke encouragement, comfort, and strength for exactly where I was at that moment; and (2) it speaks in a general way to all of us about God's faithfulness to lead us through even our most incomprehensible circumstances, if only we will “stay in the river” - immersed and following the Holy Spirit - even when we don’t fully understand yet where He’s going, what He’s doing, or why:

“And what I saw was a picture of a river, and rivers don’t take a straight path, and I felt that that was representative of your walk, that you just ‘where am I going now’ kind of thing and ‘how come I’m going this way’…and the river curves around the land and weaves its way through the land, it isn’t a straight path, so I just want to encourage you that they’re not detours, that the Lord has a purpose with each turn and with each connection, and sometimes we don’t see it till we look back. When we’re in it, we just don’t see it, and we’re thinking that we’re wasting time, we’re thinking that we’re not getting to our destination, but the Lord’s pretty patient, a lot more patient than we are, and He takes His time working through us and in us, and developing what He wants to do along the way, so that we are ready when we get there. And I just want to encourage you to do with the river as well, to just stay in the river, to just stay in the river, and I mean that spiritually, to just follow where the Spirit is going and to just know that He has you in His hand, and He knows exactly what He’s doing and you haven’t missed it.”

To be continued…

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Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

[Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJ]