Note from Gina: I transcribed the following exhortation & prayer from a July 4, 2010, GOD TV broadcast of "The Pursuit Conference" held in Alberta, Canada, Oct 2009... I just got around to watching it on my DVR, and these words by worship leader Jason Upton - an interlude between songs - made me stop and say, "Wow!" I wrote down every word as it was spoken so I could think about it and share with others... May we learn to appreciate and recognize God's beautiful truth even as it tumbles imperfectly "out of the mouths of babes" and young worshippers who run after His heart. Enjoy!
[singing:] "There's no other like You... You are holy... like no other..."
[speaking:] "A lot of times when we think about 'holy,' we also think about mercy. We think about holy, we think, God's so unbelievably holy, so sinless, so pure, how could someone that's so pure and so sinless hang out with people, sinful, like us... and we say often, 'because of mercy,' and it's true, but it limits the real beauty of what 'holy' means, because 'holy' is not just the opposite of sin.
"Oftentimes when we think of 'holy,' we think, majestic and powerful, omnipotent - we think, how could Somebody so significant hang out with people in comparison that are so insignificant, and we say, 'because of mercy,' and that's true... the problem with it is that it often limits the beauty and the wonder and the awe of what it really means that God's holy...
"We even oftentimes worship Him the way that our little minds understand what authority figures look like in certain cultures all over the world, but He's way beyond kings and presidents and leaders... He's holy! There's nobody like Him! He's the God that gets down on His hands and knees and He coos in our little baby languages that we've made up all over the world, and He tries to understand - He tries to understand why we often distance ourselves from Him, and then blame Him for the distance. He tries to understand why we often separate ourselves from Him for the sake of certitude, because He's just too much for us, He's too... holy.
"He's too uncertain, we can't get our minds around Him, we can't control Him, and He says, 'I'm so much more than your minds can understand... I'm way beyond you, Jason, I'm way beyond... I'm way beyond your mind's comprehension, I'm not like you, I'm not like you, I'm not like you, I'm not like you, I'm not like you, I'm not like all the things that you've made authority to be...'
"There's a power in poverty that breaks principalities
and brings the authorities down to their knees,
and there's a brewing frustration at the same time in this world,
and an ageless temptation to fight for control by manipulation,
but the God of the kingdoms and God of creation
and God of the nations said this revelation
through the homeless and penniless Jesus the Son:
'The poor will inherit the kingdom to come.'
"And where will we turn when our world falls apart
and all of the treasures we've stored in our barns
can't buy the kingdom of God...
"And who will we praise when we've praised all our lives
men who build kingdoms and men who build fame
but heaven does not know their name...
"And what will we fear when all that remains
is God on the Throne with a child in His arms
and Love in His eyes, and the sound of His heart cry...
"And that's what I hear tonight in our pursuit of Him, is God saying, (one), Oh, Jason, guys, I've been pursuing you, and I've never distanced Myself from you, and My glory so fills the earth, if you'll just wait long enough, and be in stillness long enough, it will overwhelm you...
"So we ask that first, Lord, awaken our senses to Your reality, here and now, all the time - it never shifts, it never wavers, it never moves, it never lifts, His glory is constant - God, awaken us to that, awaken us to that, to Your reality here and now in our lives...
"And, second, awaken us to the reality of what it really means to be holy... to be daring enough to allow You, God, to finish our story... to be gutsy enough to drop the little map of somebody else's spiritual life and actually stretch our hands out to You and ask You to lead us in the way that we don't know where we're going, that we have to trust You...
"I asked the Lord on the Isle of Wight a few weeks ago, 'Lord, when I wrote that song, "Power of Poverty" - which is really not about money, it's about trust - there's a power in trusting You, Lord, and depending on You... who's the child in Your arms that You're crying over?'
"And I felt like the Spirit of the Lord just said, 'the child is... it's everyone you're gonna sing in front of tonight, it's you, Jason, it's My sons and daughters, when they decided to sell out or buy in to the system of the age, even in religious, falsely religious circles that try to give them a plan... it's the child in My arms and love in My eyes and the sound of My heart crying over My children... when they got duped into not allowing Me to finish their story...'
"So, Holy God, we ask that You would take us on a journey - pursuing, Jesus, Your way - complete dependence on the Father... not certitude, not certainty, but trust. Make us holy... make us who we really are... or maybe the better way to say it, Lord, is, awaken us to who we really are... help us to stop rebelling against who You've made us to be... that we might live holy..."
[singing:] "There's no other like You... there's no other like You... there's no other like You... there's no other like You..."
-- Jason Upton, "Pursuit Conference" - Alberta, Canada, Oct 2009
Bonus Tracks: "You are Holy" by Jason Upton (Isle of Wight version of the song above): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfSBi2N8KA8&feature=related
If you'd like to watch the video I transcribed, it starts at about 1:45 on the first link below & continues through the 2nd link - both are from GOD TV broadcast of The Pursuit Conference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZsPj9bhT7E&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdEyK05k3h0&feature=related
& another truly precious revelation (same conference) "I Don't Help You" :) this one is really FUN! :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQ5NgIV3pcg&feature=related
Enjoy! :)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
"I'm your husband, not your boyfriend."
As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.
[Ephesians 5:31-32 NLT]
Over the years, I've heard God speak to me [John 10:4, 14-16] - not audibly, but clearly and unmistakably, in my spirit. Sometimes in the quiet morning hours or when I lie down to go to sleep, it's a statement that reveals His heart for me personally, at the deepest level of my need for Him.
For a long time it was this: "I love you, my daughter." All through the years of single parenting post-divorce, while I struggled to "do it all" or "do it right" - at home, at work, at church - when I got still, I'd hear that again and again: "I love you, my daughter." He knew how much I needed to be secure in His Love for me.
Last year, as I was learning to listen and follow Him more closely, I heard repeatedly, "I want you, my daughter." I understood: although I'd given my heart & life to Christ in January 1982 - well, sometimes we find ourselves trying to work out issues in ways that aren't fully connected to His heart & life. God wants all of us, our whole being - spirit, soul and body. If we are His, we belong to Him completely; learning to live in this reality involves a growing awareness of how much more we need to yield to Him, day by day. The "up" side is, He truly wants and desires us - in a world full of rejection, loneliness, error and criticism, that's good news. :)
More recently, as I processed various uncertainties through the early months of my "health saga" (see 4/12/11 posting), I often heard: "I am your husband." As a single woman, I felt God's closeness as never before - alone at home, feeling weak and vulnerable at times, I knew His constant companionship and sensed His embrace and His kindness in significant ways.
Then, a few weeks ago, sort of a "zinger" - it didn't seem harsh or scolding, but it definitely made me stop and pay attention: "I'm your husband, not your boyfriend." I had to ask Him what He meant by that. I had a sense that this statement applied to me, and also in a wider sense to others who say they belong to Jesus Christ. I think it has very little to do with earthly marital status or gender - singles and married people may face different types of temptation or distraction from their "first love" relationship with God, but all true Christians are described in the Bible as "the Bride of Christ." Below is some of what I've understood so far...
It's not just a weekend romance.
Of course we're not just Christians on Sundays and holidays. If God lives in us and we're in Him, that's every day - everywhere - all the time. Some of us treat God like we're dating - we want a guy who adores us enough to take us places, buy jewelry or win us a big stuffed animal at the county fair, but we aren't fully committed to living and working together "as one" every day.
God spent a long time teaching me to have fun with Him, because I was so schooled in "service" and "sacrifice" I didn't know that side of His Love; but our relationship isn't just Sunday worship, exciting short-term mission trips and Caribbean cruises. We eat together, live together, work and play and dream together. I talk with Him about my hopes and disappointments, feelings and how my day went. He speaks, listens, comforts, guides, instructs, and shares His amazing heart with me, too. There is no part of my life that is "off limits" to God, nothing we cannot discuss, no part of me that doesn't fully belong to Him. I want to live my life in total harmony and agreement with His perfect Love and wisdom.
In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer...
God is not only our God in the good times, when we're feeling "successful" or strong in faith, or like our lives are lining up with everything the Bible says is His will for us. Nor is He just there when we desperately feel our need for Him. Our covenant with Him means faithfulness in every situation - we walk together through every hour and circumstance that may arise. God didn't "let me down" just because a doctor said there was cancer in my body last January; He was right there, holding my hand, helping me make decisions, comforting and accompanying me all the way through the treatment process. I pursue and believe for good health and provision to advance His kingdom - but He doesn't love me any less "in the valley" than He does "on the mountaintop."
It's a deeply committed, lifelong partnership.
There's a passage in the New Testament that compares marriage between a husband and wife to Jesus and His Church - in terms of love and respect, submission and self-sacrifice [Ephesians 5:21-33]. It's a difficult passage for those who perceive "submission" as a dangerous invitation to oppression or abuse. But I've found that surrendering my whole life in relationship with Jesus actually gives me freedom to fulfill my true identity.
"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
[2 Corinthians 3:17 NIV]
"If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give it up for Me, you will find it."
[Matthew 10:39 NLT]
Loving and serving God isn't oppressive, but this statement ("I'm your husband, not your boyfriend") did challenge me to examine the depth of my yieldedness to God in all things. In a dating relationship, we maintain a measure of independence, or being able to go our own way if things aren't happening to our liking. Marriage is a union - two becoming one. Both of us are "all in" 100% "as long as we both shall live" - in this case, that's forever. :)
God loves, protects, provides and gives all of Himself for me - I can trust Him fully to care for me with perfect wisdom. Have I really given Him all of my heart and life? Do I make myself fully available and yield everything to His Spirit on a daily basis?
It's the most intimate love, different from any other.
Our relationship with Christ is primarily a love story. Although military metaphors and literal battles abound in the Bible, some people talk too much about the Christian life in terms of spiritual warfare. And "serving God" is something we do willingly, because we love Him - it's not supposed to be a "job" we resent or stoically endure out of fear or necessity. The story of the Prodigal Son [Luke 15:11-32] reminds us that our relationship with God is family, and the foundation of a strong and healthy family is committed love.
We confide in our friends - find enjoyment, connection and emotional support in various types of relationships - but marriage involves an exclusive level of intimacy that distinguishes it from any other friendship. In Christ, a husband and wife come together on every level: spirit, soul, and body. Hebrews 13:4 points out the sacredness of this union - it is set apart from and honored above all other relationships. Are we deeply and faithfully committed in our love for God, or have we somehow set His Love aside while we seek satisfaction and comfort elsewhere?
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No doubt there's a lot more I need to learn about this, but that's to be expected: a marriage relationship grows and evolves over time. I just had this sense that many of us (myself included) sometimes lapse into living with a more or less worldly or self-centered way of thinking, brightened by special "moments with God," when He's after a deeper level of commitment and union with Him - which lead us into deeper levels of blessing and fruitfulness as well. I believe God used this statement to call me closer and to remind me that I am truly and fully His at all times. Are we really (becoming) "one" with Him?
If this all sounds a little "extreme," consider that the end of this age culminates with "the Marriage Supper of the Lamb," when "the Bride has made herself ready." [Revelation 19:7-9] Do we see the "moments" of our daily lives in light of this ultimate goal? A few more reflections on this theme, written by apostles Paul and John - including an invitation by God's Spirit - follow...
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For I am jealous for you with the jealousy of God himself. I promised you as a pure bride to one husband—Christ. But I fear that somehow your pure and undivided devotion to Christ will be corrupted, just as Eve was deceived by the cunning ways of the serpent. You happily put up with whatever anyone tells you, even if they preach a different Jesus than the one we preach, or a different kind of Spirit than the one you received, or a different kind of gospel than the one you believed.
[2 Corinthians 11:2-4 NLT]
I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.
[Revelation 21:2 NIV]
The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.
[Revelation 22:17 NIV]
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Bonus track: Jason Upton, "You Are The One" [from his CD, Great River Road] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqJwR6lIc-s
(P.S. I had no idea Keith Green originally wrote this song, until I noticed the comment on YouTube video of Jason's version :))
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& another P.S. a friend posted the following comment on my Facebook link, what an excellent verse for this posting:
(P.S. I had no idea Keith Green originally wrote this song, until I noticed the comment on YouTube video of Jason's version :))
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& another P.S. a friend posted the following comment on my Facebook link, what an excellent verse for this posting:
"And it will come about in that day," declares the Lord,"That you will call Me Ishi" - Hosea 2:16 - Ishi means "my husband."
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Learning to Rest
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
[Psalm 46:10 NIV]
[I enjoy comparing different translations of the same Bible verse on intranet - it's so easy! I use www.wava.com "Search the Bible" at bottom left of the page, then click "Compare Translations" below the verse - or "Passage Lookup" on http://www.biblegateway.com/.]
The phrase translated "be still" in the NIV (above) is alternately rendered: "be at peace" [BBE], "be silent" [NLT], "be quiet" [NCV], "cease striving" [NAS], "let go" [GW], and "stop fighting" [GNT].
The phrase translated "be still" in the NIV (above) is alternately rendered: "be at peace" [BBE], "be silent" [NLT], "be quiet" [NCV], "cease striving" [NAS], "let go" [GW], and "stop fighting" [GNT].
Many of us don't fully understand or obey God's command to "be still" until we are arrested by circumstances - perhaps during an illness or injury, the birth of a child, the loss of a job or a loved one, etc. I think it's interesting that the word "arrest" comes from the Latin ad "to" + restare "rest" :) www.dictionary.com defines the English word as follows:
ar·rest
–verb (used with object)
1. to seize (a person) by legal authority or warrant; take into custody: The police arrested the burglar.
2. to catch and hold; attract and fix; engage: The loud noise arrested our attention.
3. to check the course of; stop; slow down: to arrest progress.
If we belong to the Lord, then perhaps we should stop resisting when we are "taken into custody" - when He attracts, fixes or engages our attention - or when He checks our course, slows us down, and causes us to stop. In fact, the Latin restare doesn't mean to sleep - it means to remain, fixed and stable. God wants to establish us in His purposes; will we slow down or stop long enough to really know Him, and let Him be exalted?
The great warrior-king David, who accomplished tremendous victories in the land of Israel, understood the importance of finding this place of rest in the Lord. He wrote:
See, I have made my soul calm and quiet, like a child on its mother's breast; my soul is like a child on its mother's breast.
[Psalm 131:2 BBE]
In this short psalm (3 verses), David connects this quiet attitude with a lack of pride (v. 1) and finding eternal hope in God (v. 3). Sometimes we are so busy doing things we think are "good," "of God," or "for God," that we don't realize we have lost perspective and become disconnected from His heart. Sometimes we act like fussy, tired babies who thrash and flail, unable to find and attach to the source of nourishment and strength we really need. A nursing mother cultivates an atmosphere of peace and quiet comfort in which to feed and nurture her child.
Heidi Baker often says that "fruitfulness flows out of intimacy." The world tries to make us hurry and "grow up" so we can accomplish more, but the kingdom of God doesn't work like that. Lately I've noticed that, as I slow down and simplify, taking more time with God, I actually become more focused, productive and effective in every area of my life. Jesus taught us another antidote to worldly busy-ness: the kingdom values of humility and childlikeness.
Heidi Baker often says that "fruitfulness flows out of intimacy." The world tries to make us hurry and "grow up" so we can accomplish more, but the kingdom of God doesn't work like that. Lately I've noticed that, as I slow down and simplify, taking more time with God, I actually become more focused, productive and effective in every area of my life. Jesus taught us another antidote to worldly busy-ness: the kingdom values of humility and childlikeness.
"...I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven... whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."
[Matthew 18:3-4]
Recently, as I was going through surgery and radiation treatments (see 4/12/11 posting), I experienced feeling "left out" of the busy-ness of life. I was unable to participate in "normal" activities at the level I had before I was "arrested" by my circumstances. At first, it was frustrating to encounter unexpected limitations on my time and energy, yet I noticed that I felt the closeness of the Lord, in quiet peace and trust. Gradually it dawned on me that this is the attitude of rest God wants us to have every day - we can choose His pace in life. As I returned to work (part-time, at first), I found myself much more in tune with His guidance and His grace.
It occurred to me during this season that a mother's breast is a symbol of nurturing and nourishment. One of God's names in the Old Testament is "El Shaddai" - literally, "the one of the breast" or "the many-breasted one." He is our Source and all we need. An attack of breast cancer also spoke to me of an attack on my ability to nourish and nurture myself and others. Do people really feel loved and valued when we are too busy to stop for lunch? And how many of us experience illness as a result of not taking time to replenish ourselves and rest, both physically and spiritually?
Jesus invites us to come to Him, receive His rest, and learn how to live differently.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
[Matthew 11:28-30 NIV]
If we really want to know God and see Him exalted, we need to slow down and walk with Him. Taking His yoke means living at His pace - I'm learning He's not frantic, and the fruitful life He has for me is not so hectic, as I learn more of Him. His commands are not burdensome [I John 5:3]. Accomplishments of eternal value require that we rest and remain in Him.
“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing."
[John 15:5 NLT]
In closing, I'd like to encourage you to watch this 10-minute video of Pastor Bill Johnson that a friend sent me a few weeks ago. He has some wonderful things to say about "The Importance of Rest." Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=nvkE4PyVZrs
Sunday, May 8, 2011
"Soul Surfer"
The main reason I chose to post this little tip is simply because it struck me: we're all broken somewhere. This girl has a great testimony for anyone who's had to deal with things that don't make sense or don't seem fair, when the life you thought was "blessed" isn't turning out at all the way you expected... Bethany shows us how Christ-in-us can triumph over whatever the attack has been. P.S. of course I was in tears when I saw her ministering to the little tsunami survivor on the beach in Thailand... and lots of other scenes as well. When a reporter asks if she regrets going surfing the day of the attack, Bethany smiles and says she wouldn't change anything, because she's been able to embrace more people with one arm than she ever could before. That's His strength in our weakness... it's what amazing Love can do. <3 worth seeing <3 :)
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Introduction to Job
This week’s posting is from Eugene Peterson's Introduction to the Book of Job (in The Message version of the Bible*), which addresses a number of issues about finding God in the midst of human suffering - a subject I touched on last week (4/26/11 "Ordeal" - Part 1). Honestly, I picked up Peterson after I wrote last week’s posting, and I thought he did a much better job! :) I find Peterson’s introductions to the books of the Bible (as well as his translation / paraphrase of scripture) a rich source of inspiration and encouragement - and he writes beautifully. Enjoy!
“Job suffered. His name is synonymous with suffering. He asked, 'Why?' He asked, 'Why me?' And he put his questions to God. He asked his questions persistently, passionately, and eloquently. He refused to take silence for an answer. He refused to take clichés for an answer. He refused to let God off the hook.
“Job did not take his sufferings quietly or piously. He disdained going for a second opinion to outside physicians or philosophers. Job took his stance before God, and there he protested his suffering, protested mightily.
“It is not only because Job suffered that he is important to us. It is because he suffered in the same ways that we suffer - in the vital areas of family, personal health, and material things. Job is also important to us because he searchingly questioned and boldly protested his suffering. Indeed, he went 'to the top' with his questions.
“It is not suffering as such that troubles us. It is undeserved suffering.
“Almost all of us in our years of growing up have the experience of disobeying our parents and getting punished for it. When that discipline was connected with wrongdoing, it had a certain sense of justice to it: When we do wrong, we get punished.
“One of the surprises as we get older, however, is that we come to see that there is no real correlation between the amount of wrong we commit and the amount of pain we experience. An even larger surprise is that very often there is something quite the opposite: We do right and get knocked down. We do the best we are capable of doing, and just as we are reaching out to receive our reward we are hit from the blind side and sent reeling.
“This is the suffering that first bewilders and then outrages us. This is the kind of suffering that bewildered and outraged Job, for Job was doing everything right when suddenly everything went wrong. And it is this kind of suffering to which Job gives voice when he protests to God.
“Job gives voice to his sufferings so well, so accurately and honestly, that anyone who has ever suffered - which includes every last one of us - can recognize his or her personal pain in the voice of Job. Job says boldly what some of us are too timid to say. He makes poetry out of what in many of us is only a tangle of confused whimpers. He shouts out to God what a lot of us mutter behind our sleeves. He refuses to accept the role of a defeated victim.
“It is also important to note what Job does not do, lest we expect something from him that he does not intend. Job does not curse God as his wife suggests he should do, getting rid of the problem by getting rid of God. But neither does Job explain suffering. He does not instruct us in how to live so that we can avoid suffering. Suffering is a mystery, and Job comes to respect the mystery.
"In the course of facing, questioning, and respecting suffering, Job finds himself in an even larger mystery - the mystery of God. Perhaps the greatest mystery in suffering is how it can bring a person into the presence of God in a state of worship, full of wonder, love, and praise. Suffering does not inevitably do that, but it does it far more often than we would expect. It certainly did that for Job. Even in his answer to his wife he speaks the language of an uncharted irony, a dark and difficult kind of truth: 'We take the good days from God - why not also the bad days?'
"But there is more to the book of Job than Job. There are Job's friends. The moment we find ourselves in trouble of any kind - sick in the hospital, bereaved by a friend's death, dismissed from a job or relationship, depressed or bewildered - people start showing up telling us exactly what is wrong with us and what we must do to get better. Sufferers attract fixers the way roadkills attract vultures. At first we are impressed that they bother with us and amazed at their facility with answers. They know so much! How did they get to be such experts in living?
“More often than not, these people use the Word of God frequently and loosely. They are full of spiritual diagnosis and prescription. It all sounds so hopeful. But then we begin to wonder, 'Why is it that for all their apparent compassion we feel worse instead of better after they've said their piece?'
“The book of Job is not only a witness to the dignity of suffering and God's presence in our suffering but is also our primary biblical protest against religion that has been reduced to explanations or 'answers.' Many of the answers that Job's so-called friends give him are technically true. But it is the 'technical' part that ruins them. They are answers without personal relationship, intellect without intimacy. The answers are slapped onto Job's ravaged life like labels on a specimen bottle. Job rages against this secularized wisdom that has lost touch with the living realities of God.
“In every generation there are men and women who pretend to be able to instruct us in a way of life that guarantees that we will be 'healthy, wealthy, and wise.' According to the propaganda of these people, anyone who lives intelligently and morally is exempt from suffering. From their point of view, it is lucky for us that they are now at hand to provide the intelligent and moral answers we need.
“On behalf of all of us who have been misled by the platitudes of the nice people who show up to tell us everything is going to be just all right if we simply think such-and-such and do such-and-such, Job issues an anguished rejoinder. He rejects the kind of advice and teaching that has God all figured out, that provides glib explanations for every circumstance. Job's honest defiance continues to be the best defense against the clichés of positive thinkers and the prattle of religious small talk.
“The honest, innocent Job is placed in a setting of immense suffering and then surrounded by the conventional religious wisdom of the day in the form of speeches by Eliphaz, Bildad, Zophar, and Elihu. The contrast is unforgettable. The counselors methodically and pedantically recite their bookish precepts to Job. At first Job rages in pain and roars out his protests, but then he becomes silent in awestruck faith before God, who speaks from out of a storm - a 'whirlwind' of Deity. Real faith cannot be reduced to spiritual bromides and merchandised in success stories. It is refined in the fires and the storms of pain.
"The book of Job does not reject answers as such. There is content to biblical religion. It is the secularization of answers that is rejected - answers severed from their Source, the living God, the Word that both batters us and heals us. We cannot have truth about God divorced from the mind and heart of God.
“In our compassion, we don't like to see people suffer. And so our instincts are aimed at preventing and alleviating suffering. No doubt that is a good impulse. But if we really want to reach out to others who are suffering, we should be careful not to be like Job's friends, not to do our 'helping' with the presumption that we can fix things, get rid of them, or make them 'better.' We may look at our suffering friends and imagine how they could have better marriages, better-behaved children, better mental and emotional health. But when we rush in to fix suffering, we need to keep in mind several things.
“First, no matter how insightful we may be, we don't really understand the full nature of our friends' problems. Second, our friends may not want our advice. Third, the ironic fact of the matter is that more often than not, people do not suffer less when they are committed to following God, but more. When these people go through suffering, their lives are often transformed, deepened, marked with beauty and holiness, in remarkable ways that could never have been anticipated before the suffering.
“So, instead of continuing to focus on preventing suffering - which we simply won't be very successful at anyway - perhaps we should begin entering the suffering, participating insofar as we are able - entering the mystery and looking around for God. In other words, we need to quit feeling sorry for people who suffer and instead look up to them, learn from them, and - if they will let us - join them in protest and prayer. Pity can be near-sighted and condescending; shared suffering can be dignifying and life-changing. As we look at Job's suffering and praying and worshiping, we see that he has already blazed a trail of courage and integrity for us to follow.
“But sometimes it's hard to know just how to follow Job's lead when we feel so alone in our suffering, unsure of what God wants us to do. What we must realize during those times of darkness is that the God who appeared to Job in the whirlwind is calling out to all of us. Although God may not appear to us in a vision, he makes himself known to us in all the many ways that he describes to Job - from the macro to the micro, from the wonders of the galaxies to the little things we take for granted. He is the Creator of the unfathomable universe all around us - and he is also the Creator of the universe inside of us. And so we gain hope - not from the darkness of our suffering, not from pat answers in books, but from the God who sees our suffering and shares our pain.
"Reading Job prayerfully and meditatively leads us to face the questions that arise when our lives don't turn out the way we expect them to. First we hear all the stock answers. Then we ask the questions again, with variations - and hear the answers again, with variations. Over and over and over. Every time we let Job give voice to our own questions, our suffering gains in dignity and we are brought a step closer to the threshold of the voice and mystery of God. Every time we persist with Job in rejecting the quick-fix counsel of people who see us and hear us but do not understand us, we deepen our availability and openness to the revelation that comes only out of the tempest. The mystery of God eclipses the darkness and the struggle. We realize that suffering calls our lives into question, not God's. The tables are turned: God-Alive is present to us. God is speaking to us. And so Job's experience is confirmed and repeated once again in our suffering and our vulnerable humanity."
Author: Eugene Peterson
"Introduction - Job”
The Message Remix: The Bible in Contemporary Language
© 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson
Published by Navpress Publishing Group
*(Note from Gina: if you don’t yet own a copy of The Message, you might want to get one! :) )
“Job suffered. His name is synonymous with suffering. He asked, 'Why?' He asked, 'Why me?' And he put his questions to God. He asked his questions persistently, passionately, and eloquently. He refused to take silence for an answer. He refused to take clichés for an answer. He refused to let God off the hook.
“Job did not take his sufferings quietly or piously. He disdained going for a second opinion to outside physicians or philosophers. Job took his stance before God, and there he protested his suffering, protested mightily.
“It is not only because Job suffered that he is important to us. It is because he suffered in the same ways that we suffer - in the vital areas of family, personal health, and material things. Job is also important to us because he searchingly questioned and boldly protested his suffering. Indeed, he went 'to the top' with his questions.
/ / /
“It is not suffering as such that troubles us. It is undeserved suffering.
“Almost all of us in our years of growing up have the experience of disobeying our parents and getting punished for it. When that discipline was connected with wrongdoing, it had a certain sense of justice to it: When we do wrong, we get punished.
“One of the surprises as we get older, however, is that we come to see that there is no real correlation between the amount of wrong we commit and the amount of pain we experience. An even larger surprise is that very often there is something quite the opposite: We do right and get knocked down. We do the best we are capable of doing, and just as we are reaching out to receive our reward we are hit from the blind side and sent reeling.
“This is the suffering that first bewilders and then outrages us. This is the kind of suffering that bewildered and outraged Job, for Job was doing everything right when suddenly everything went wrong. And it is this kind of suffering to which Job gives voice when he protests to God.
“Job gives voice to his sufferings so well, so accurately and honestly, that anyone who has ever suffered - which includes every last one of us - can recognize his or her personal pain in the voice of Job. Job says boldly what some of us are too timid to say. He makes poetry out of what in many of us is only a tangle of confused whimpers. He shouts out to God what a lot of us mutter behind our sleeves. He refuses to accept the role of a defeated victim.
“It is also important to note what Job does not do, lest we expect something from him that he does not intend. Job does not curse God as his wife suggests he should do, getting rid of the problem by getting rid of God. But neither does Job explain suffering. He does not instruct us in how to live so that we can avoid suffering. Suffering is a mystery, and Job comes to respect the mystery.
"In the course of facing, questioning, and respecting suffering, Job finds himself in an even larger mystery - the mystery of God. Perhaps the greatest mystery in suffering is how it can bring a person into the presence of God in a state of worship, full of wonder, love, and praise. Suffering does not inevitably do that, but it does it far more often than we would expect. It certainly did that for Job. Even in his answer to his wife he speaks the language of an uncharted irony, a dark and difficult kind of truth: 'We take the good days from God - why not also the bad days?'
/ / /
"But there is more to the book of Job than Job. There are Job's friends. The moment we find ourselves in trouble of any kind - sick in the hospital, bereaved by a friend's death, dismissed from a job or relationship, depressed or bewildered - people start showing up telling us exactly what is wrong with us and what we must do to get better. Sufferers attract fixers the way roadkills attract vultures. At first we are impressed that they bother with us and amazed at their facility with answers. They know so much! How did they get to be such experts in living?
“More often than not, these people use the Word of God frequently and loosely. They are full of spiritual diagnosis and prescription. It all sounds so hopeful. But then we begin to wonder, 'Why is it that for all their apparent compassion we feel worse instead of better after they've said their piece?'
“The book of Job is not only a witness to the dignity of suffering and God's presence in our suffering but is also our primary biblical protest against religion that has been reduced to explanations or 'answers.' Many of the answers that Job's so-called friends give him are technically true. But it is the 'technical' part that ruins them. They are answers without personal relationship, intellect without intimacy. The answers are slapped onto Job's ravaged life like labels on a specimen bottle. Job rages against this secularized wisdom that has lost touch with the living realities of God.
“In every generation there are men and women who pretend to be able to instruct us in a way of life that guarantees that we will be 'healthy, wealthy, and wise.' According to the propaganda of these people, anyone who lives intelligently and morally is exempt from suffering. From their point of view, it is lucky for us that they are now at hand to provide the intelligent and moral answers we need.
“On behalf of all of us who have been misled by the platitudes of the nice people who show up to tell us everything is going to be just all right if we simply think such-and-such and do such-and-such, Job issues an anguished rejoinder. He rejects the kind of advice and teaching that has God all figured out, that provides glib explanations for every circumstance. Job's honest defiance continues to be the best defense against the clichés of positive thinkers and the prattle of religious small talk.
“The honest, innocent Job is placed in a setting of immense suffering and then surrounded by the conventional religious wisdom of the day in the form of speeches by Eliphaz, Bildad, Zophar, and Elihu. The contrast is unforgettable. The counselors methodically and pedantically recite their bookish precepts to Job. At first Job rages in pain and roars out his protests, but then he becomes silent in awestruck faith before God, who speaks from out of a storm - a 'whirlwind' of Deity. Real faith cannot be reduced to spiritual bromides and merchandised in success stories. It is refined in the fires and the storms of pain.
"The book of Job does not reject answers as such. There is content to biblical religion. It is the secularization of answers that is rejected - answers severed from their Source, the living God, the Word that both batters us and heals us. We cannot have truth about God divorced from the mind and heart of God.
/ / /
“In our compassion, we don't like to see people suffer. And so our instincts are aimed at preventing and alleviating suffering. No doubt that is a good impulse. But if we really want to reach out to others who are suffering, we should be careful not to be like Job's friends, not to do our 'helping' with the presumption that we can fix things, get rid of them, or make them 'better.' We may look at our suffering friends and imagine how they could have better marriages, better-behaved children, better mental and emotional health. But when we rush in to fix suffering, we need to keep in mind several things.
“First, no matter how insightful we may be, we don't really understand the full nature of our friends' problems. Second, our friends may not want our advice. Third, the ironic fact of the matter is that more often than not, people do not suffer less when they are committed to following God, but more. When these people go through suffering, their lives are often transformed, deepened, marked with beauty and holiness, in remarkable ways that could never have been anticipated before the suffering.
“So, instead of continuing to focus on preventing suffering - which we simply won't be very successful at anyway - perhaps we should begin entering the suffering, participating insofar as we are able - entering the mystery and looking around for God. In other words, we need to quit feeling sorry for people who suffer and instead look up to them, learn from them, and - if they will let us - join them in protest and prayer. Pity can be near-sighted and condescending; shared suffering can be dignifying and life-changing. As we look at Job's suffering and praying and worshiping, we see that he has already blazed a trail of courage and integrity for us to follow.
/ / /
“But sometimes it's hard to know just how to follow Job's lead when we feel so alone in our suffering, unsure of what God wants us to do. What we must realize during those times of darkness is that the God who appeared to Job in the whirlwind is calling out to all of us. Although God may not appear to us in a vision, he makes himself known to us in all the many ways that he describes to Job - from the macro to the micro, from the wonders of the galaxies to the little things we take for granted. He is the Creator of the unfathomable universe all around us - and he is also the Creator of the universe inside of us. And so we gain hope - not from the darkness of our suffering, not from pat answers in books, but from the God who sees our suffering and shares our pain.
"Reading Job prayerfully and meditatively leads us to face the questions that arise when our lives don't turn out the way we expect them to. First we hear all the stock answers. Then we ask the questions again, with variations - and hear the answers again, with variations. Over and over and over. Every time we let Job give voice to our own questions, our suffering gains in dignity and we are brought a step closer to the threshold of the voice and mystery of God. Every time we persist with Job in rejecting the quick-fix counsel of people who see us and hear us but do not understand us, we deepen our availability and openness to the revelation that comes only out of the tempest. The mystery of God eclipses the darkness and the struggle. We realize that suffering calls our lives into question, not God's. The tables are turned: God-Alive is present to us. God is speaking to us. And so Job's experience is confirmed and repeated once again in our suffering and our vulnerable humanity."
Author: Eugene Peterson
"Introduction - Job”
The Message Remix: The Bible in Contemporary Language
© 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson
Published by Navpress Publishing Group
*(Note from Gina: if you don’t yet own a copy of The Message, you might want to get one! :) )
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
"Ordeal" - Part 1
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you.”
[Isaiah 43:2 NAS]
The word “ordeal” came to mind as I was dealing with medical issues for the past few months (see “Lessons from Surgery” posted 4/12/11). It’s a plain-sounding word, so I didn’t expect to find anything “poetic” or “prophetic” on www.dictionary.com – but I looked it up anyway, because I enjoy the flow of insights that often comes from looking at etymology and various definitions. I was pleasantly surprised to find this bluntly simple word is rich with spiritual meaning.
or•deal noun
1. a severe or trying experience
2. history a method of trial in which the guilt or innocence of an accused person was determined by subjecting him to physical danger, esp. by fire or water. The outcome was regarded as an indication of divine judgment.
Old English ordāl, ordēl; related to Old Frisian ordēl, Old High German urteili (German Urteil ) verdict. deal, dole ]
Collins English Dictionary - Complete & Unabridged 10th Edition
2009 © William Collins Sons & Co. Ltd. 1979, 1986 © HarperCollins
Publishers 1998, 2000, 2003, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2009
Of course I don’t believe in the archaic practice of torturing people as a way of determining their guilt or innocence, and I question the spiritual / psychological soundness of interpreting anyone’s afflictions as intentional condemnation or punishment by God.
Human interpretations of events are as varied as individual worldviews. Although I don’t agree with atheists and agnostics for whom all is random or coincidental (with the possible exception of natural or scientific laws, like physics or mathematics) - I’m a little embarrassed by Christians who seem to think that, if their car or their washing machine breaks down, it’s always an intentional act of God or the devil. Even more so by many who publicly declare "God's judgment" in the midst of great suffering or tragedy.
We (human beings in general) often deal with questions of “divine justice” when we encounter “a severe or trying experience.” We wonder if we did something to bring difficulty upon ourselves, or protest (inwardly or outwardly) that we don’t deserve it – we try to make sense of experiences, and we resist what seems to us like senseless pain. We process thoughts and emotions based on limited information; and, unfortunately, we often form judgments about other people’s trauma.
I have a few basic beliefs, from my understanding of the Bible, that anchor my approach to this complicated subject: (1) God is Love, so what He does is always good; and (2) human information is usually incomplete and fairly short-sighted, so our perspective on who is responsible for what, as well as our personal definition of “good,” may not be fully accurate or consistent with God’s truth.
People who attribute everything that happens to "God's will" ignore many things the scriptures teach about who we are and what God desires for us. Human beings were not created to be puppets or robots - we are free to choose good or evil, to walk with God or turn away from Him and His ways. The Bible also reveals a variety of interconnected forces that impact our lives: God, human beings (ourselves and others), angels, demons, and the complex operation of both natural and spiritual laws.
It’s difficult to imagine how any of us could even pretend to fully understand “why bad things happen,” apart from divine revelation – which is itself a pretty murky proposition in this lifetime. The apostle Paul points this out, along with the importance of Love as both context and motive for all our imperfect efforts to understand what is so unclear to us here & now.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing...
For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears...Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
[I Corinthians 13:1-2, 9-10,12]
[I Corinthians 13:1-2, 9-10,12]
What I like about the meaning of this word "ordeal" is that the trial itself is not the verdict - it's how you come through it that matters. Kind and loving people who eat their vegetables get cancer, lose loved ones, experience natural disasters, etc. - so do nasty, bitter criminals, and all types of people in between. Our impulse to understand and explain everything in terms of simple cause & effect is probably a natural desire to "make sense of" senseless pain, or control what feels out of control at the time - but it's not something we generally do with great accuracy or effectiveness. We may learn a lesson, identify some specific changes we need to make for the future, but overall our perceptions and abilities are too limited to comprehend or interpret the whole. We see only part of the picture, and not very clearly.
An “ordeal," as I see it, is an opportunity to find God and His goodness in the midst of difficulty. Have you ever considered how unexpectedly some people step up and show amazing goodness to one another during illness or trauma? Or how many people respond to a crisis by taking stock of their lives and changing for the better? Even if our own actions somehow contributed to the situation - God offers forgiveness & healing, and leads us into greater wisdom, as we seek and follow Him.
I don’t believe, for example, that God gives people cancer. If an earthly father did that to his children “to teach them something,” we’d probably call it child abuse.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
[James 1:17 NIV]
But He’s always teaching, turning even errors into opportunities for growth and blessing.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
[Romans 8:28 NIV]
As we look to Him in our times of deepest need, He displays His glory and the greatness of His Love. The verses I quoted at the end of my previous posting (4/12/11 "Lessons from Surgery") describe how His strength fills our weakness - He is glorified in our lives as He gives us “beauty for ashes.” The Book of Job (to be discussed next week) shows us how small-minded we can be in our perceptions of suffering; the real prize is knowing Him, and He’s so much bigger & better than we think.
As we find God in the midst of our "ordeals," the winning verdict is an ever-deepening revelation and relationship with Him.
But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the One who got you started, Israel: "Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you…That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you. So don't be afraid: I'm with you…”
[Isaiah 43:1-5a MSG]
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
"Lessons from Surgery"
I had surgery last week to remove a “low-grade, non-aggressive” malignant tumor and a few lymph nodes for testing to determine further treatment and prevention. Thank God, my surgeon “got it all” and lymph nodes tested negative, so radiation looks like a wise follow-up to prevent recurrence – chemo isn’t warranted in my case. And, being incorrigibly inclined to find “spiritual symbolism” in almost any situation :) - of course, I saw a number of “life lessons” in each part of the process…
Diagnosis
Some of us put off routine medical tests, even or perhaps especially when we think something is "not quite right," as if ignoring something could make it not really so. I kept hoping, as I went from mammogram to sonogram to the surgeon's office and biopsy: first, that it would be a cyst and not a tumor; then, that the tumor would turn out to be benign instead of malignant; then, after prayer at some really good healing & revival meetings, I honestly hoped it would supernaturally disappear before the MRI... but it didn't.
As the facts were gradually revealed, I dealt with a variety of feelings: I had to push away anxiety, fear, self-pity, also some anger, resentment, sort of a "why is this happening to me?" - even a little, "hey, God, why did You let this happen to me?" But you know what? when there's something unhealthy that needs to be removed, it doesn't make a bit of sense to be angry at anyone for seeing and discussing it honestly, for the purpose of healing. If disease is there, it needs to be dealt with.
Diagnosis is a good thing. I was honest with myself & God about feelings, but there's no point in resisting truth - when something needs to be fixed, knowing what's wrong is the first step toward real healing and genuine good health. This applies in many areas of life: pretending isn’t healthy, and things can't really get better unless we first get some accurate facts about what the problem is.
Waiting, not worrying
I've watched other people wait for biopsy results, and considered how challenging it might be to have to endure not knowing such an important piece of information ("do I have cancer or not?") for a period of weeks. Pathology reports can take various lengths of time, depending on the lab and the urgency of the situation, and I knew mine would not likely come back "overnight." In fact, I saw my surgeon a few days before leaving on a mission trip to Nicaragua that I'd planned for a year, and she agreed that I shouldn't cancel the trip. As it turned out, she wasn’t able to discuss the results with me until 4 days after I got home - almost two full weeks after she did the needle biopsy.
I had prayed with a friend before that trip, and her words "lay it aside" stuck with me, helping me to do just that. The past few months taught me a lot about taking one day or one step at a time - not wasting emotions, thoughts and (especially) pointless worrying over information I didn't have yet - just dealing with specific facts, decisions, or actions I needed to take right now. Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow, because each day has enough trouble of its own! [Matthew 6:34] You can't let fear and worry drive you - those things aren’t helpful, and they do not come from God.
As I walked through this process, I hoped for the best, but I also realized that God is with me every step of the way, no matter what. Sigi Oblander ( http://www.sigioblander.com/), a wonderful Christian minister who spoke at our church women's retreat (which took place between my MRI and the next appointment with my surgeon), reminded us that He’s God on the mountaintop and also the Lily of the Valley. God is with us in the every day, not just when things are “great” or problems are resolved, but all the way through the storms of life as well.
Avoiding negative thoughts while waiting for the next appointment actually taught me to "fall sleep in the boat" [Mt 8:23-27, Mark 4:35-41 & Luke 8:22-25]: Jesus not only calmed the storm, He rested right in the middle of it. Scripture says that He is our Peace [Ephesians 2:14]. And to be joyful always. [Phil. 4:4 & I Thess. 5:16-18] Wow, what a way to live! Why not?
Facing uncertainties generated by the word “cancer” also forced me to consider that “worst case scenario” for a Christian is… heaven?? That is freedom from the ultimate fear [Hebrews 2:15].
Decisions, Decisions
Once I got biopsy results back, there were decisions to make - when to schedule surgery, what type - and many other options to be determined later. I have good health insurance & a great surgeon, whose opinions are based on lots of experience, current research and state of the art technology - I trust her. She speaks “life” (not death) – her conversation is straightforward, but not discouraging.
Oncology is kind of a numbers game: doctors have lots of statistics regarding recurrence & survival rates, risks & side effects of various treatments. I’m thankful my lymph nodes tested negative, because I wasn’t interested in sacrificing my immune system and enduring chemotherapy for a low-grade early-stage cancer – I’m not motivated by fear, and I don’t feel compelled to use the most powerful weapon around “just to be sure,” if safer treatments are sufficient & effective. And it's important to remember that every case is different - each patient needs to process their doctor's advice and make an informed decision that is right for them. I appreciate the lifesaving aspects of modern medicine, but there are definitely plenty of options & lots of choices to make.
I listen to the experts and pray for God's perspective in how to apply this knowledge. The Book of Proverbs (I was reading Proverbs 1:26-33 this morning) reminds us of the importance of wisdom. James 1:5-8 encourages us that God will freely give His wisdom to all who believe & ask Him for it.
Office Staff
Communication with my surgeon's receptionist isn't always as clear, positive or trustworthy as I’d like. Sometimes she gets it wrong, misinforms, or speaks impatiently. I know this doesn’t reflect the surgeon’s attitude – the doctor is aware of what patients go through with a cancer diagnosis, and is planning a new practice that will reduce patient stress by consolidating various phases of testing & treatment together in one office. She even gave me her cell phone # in case I ever need to speak to her directly. But I have to deal with her receptionist sometimes in the course of treatment, so I try to make the best of it. When she “misses the mark,” I shake it off and thank God for a wonderful surgeon. (Imagine how grateful I was to find out the radiotherapy staff treats their patients like visiting royalty!)
This reminds me of how God works through human beings to heal and save lives: pastors, leaders & everyday Christians aren’t always perfect representatives of God's heart either, but He still uses us to get His work done. Sometimes we have to shake off an offense on the way to our healing.
Accuracy & Anesthetic
A good surgeon doesn't use a chainsaw or even a steak knife to cut anybody - human beings are delicate, so a doctor's tools are much more accurate and precise. And even with a scalpel, they don't normally cut you without anesthetic. They're trained to fix what's wrong, not hurt you.
I've often thought of this in terms of how God deals with us: yes, He addresses things that don't belong in our lives, cutting away what hinders or could destroy us if not removed... but He always operates in Love. He comforts, even as He prunes our lives [John 15] - perfectly. May God help us, as we interact with others, to speak accurate words of truth that are bathed in His beautiful love.
Bandages
After surgery, 2 small incisions were covered with soft, clean, white gauze pads to protect wounded areas while they healed. My discharge papers said I could remove the bandages after 24 hours, but I kept them on until Friday, because I still felt a little bit sore and didn’t want pull or tear anything by moving around too much too soon. After a few days, I felt “normal” enough to take them off.
During this vulnerable time, it also seemed good to protect myself from unnecessary stress or entanglements that tax my energy. I was careful who I told about my situation at first, so I wouldn’t feel pressured by other people’s emotions, advice, or troubling personal stories. I shared with a small circle of friends who pray, then immediate family, then – as I felt more peace & clarity on God’s direction – I was able to tell others, less concerned that their spiritual or emotional issues might affect me negatively. It’s OK to protect yourself sometimes, especially while you’re healing.
Resting in God’s Grace
Protecting yourself while you’re healing also requires REST. A friend who’s been through this type of surgery before said, wisely: “You can use your energy to heal, or you can spend it on a lot of other things.” That stuck with me, and I began to jealously guard my time & energy for things that matter, especially restoring and establishing health. I couldn’t run around in “overdrive” like I used to, working all day without a lunch break, or driving back & forth to church meetings several times a week. I had to listen to God about what to do or not do. There’s nothing like a season of weakness to remind us to “keep it simple,” stay in step with God’s grace, & lean on His strength.
I’m less likely to take on undue burdens than I was when I felt stronger - in fact, God is teaching me through all of this to set better limits, and manage my time & energy more wisely than before.
A visiting minister (who didn’t know anything about my health condition) gave me this timely and appropriate scripture verse as a personal prophetic word at church last weekend:
Some of us put off routine medical tests, even or perhaps especially when we think something is "not quite right," as if ignoring something could make it not really so. I kept hoping, as I went from mammogram to sonogram to the surgeon's office and biopsy: first, that it would be a cyst and not a tumor; then, that the tumor would turn out to be benign instead of malignant; then, after prayer at some really good healing & revival meetings, I honestly hoped it would supernaturally disappear before the MRI... but it didn't.
As the facts were gradually revealed, I dealt with a variety of feelings: I had to push away anxiety, fear, self-pity, also some anger, resentment, sort of a "why is this happening to me?" - even a little, "hey, God, why did You let this happen to me?" But you know what? when there's something unhealthy that needs to be removed, it doesn't make a bit of sense to be angry at anyone for seeing and discussing it honestly, for the purpose of healing. If disease is there, it needs to be dealt with.
Diagnosis is a good thing. I was honest with myself & God about feelings, but there's no point in resisting truth - when something needs to be fixed, knowing what's wrong is the first step toward real healing and genuine good health. This applies in many areas of life: pretending isn’t healthy, and things can't really get better unless we first get some accurate facts about what the problem is.
Waiting, not worrying
I've watched other people wait for biopsy results, and considered how challenging it might be to have to endure not knowing such an important piece of information ("do I have cancer or not?") for a period of weeks. Pathology reports can take various lengths of time, depending on the lab and the urgency of the situation, and I knew mine would not likely come back "overnight." In fact, I saw my surgeon a few days before leaving on a mission trip to Nicaragua that I'd planned for a year, and she agreed that I shouldn't cancel the trip. As it turned out, she wasn’t able to discuss the results with me until 4 days after I got home - almost two full weeks after she did the needle biopsy.
I had prayed with a friend before that trip, and her words "lay it aside" stuck with me, helping me to do just that. The past few months taught me a lot about taking one day or one step at a time - not wasting emotions, thoughts and (especially) pointless worrying over information I didn't have yet - just dealing with specific facts, decisions, or actions I needed to take right now. Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow, because each day has enough trouble of its own! [Matthew 6:34] You can't let fear and worry drive you - those things aren’t helpful, and they do not come from God.
As I walked through this process, I hoped for the best, but I also realized that God is with me every step of the way, no matter what. Sigi Oblander ( http://www.sigioblander.com/), a wonderful Christian minister who spoke at our church women's retreat (which took place between my MRI and the next appointment with my surgeon), reminded us that He’s God on the mountaintop and also the Lily of the Valley. God is with us in the every day, not just when things are “great” or problems are resolved, but all the way through the storms of life as well.
Avoiding negative thoughts while waiting for the next appointment actually taught me to "fall sleep in the boat" [Mt 8:23-27, Mark 4:35-41 & Luke 8:22-25]: Jesus not only calmed the storm, He rested right in the middle of it. Scripture says that He is our Peace [Ephesians 2:14]. And to be joyful always. [Phil. 4:4 & I Thess. 5:16-18] Wow, what a way to live! Why not?
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
[Matthew 6:27 NIV]
Facing uncertainties generated by the word “cancer” also forced me to consider that “worst case scenario” for a Christian is… heaven?? That is freedom from the ultimate fear [Hebrews 2:15].
Decisions, Decisions
Once I got biopsy results back, there were decisions to make - when to schedule surgery, what type - and many other options to be determined later. I have good health insurance & a great surgeon, whose opinions are based on lots of experience, current research and state of the art technology - I trust her. She speaks “life” (not death) – her conversation is straightforward, but not discouraging.
Oncology is kind of a numbers game: doctors have lots of statistics regarding recurrence & survival rates, risks & side effects of various treatments. I’m thankful my lymph nodes tested negative, because I wasn’t interested in sacrificing my immune system and enduring chemotherapy for a low-grade early-stage cancer – I’m not motivated by fear, and I don’t feel compelled to use the most powerful weapon around “just to be sure,” if safer treatments are sufficient & effective. And it's important to remember that every case is different - each patient needs to process their doctor's advice and make an informed decision that is right for them. I appreciate the lifesaving aspects of modern medicine, but there are definitely plenty of options & lots of choices to make.
I listen to the experts and pray for God's perspective in how to apply this knowledge. The Book of Proverbs (I was reading Proverbs 1:26-33 this morning) reminds us of the importance of wisdom. James 1:5-8 encourages us that God will freely give His wisdom to all who believe & ask Him for it.
Office Staff
Communication with my surgeon's receptionist isn't always as clear, positive or trustworthy as I’d like. Sometimes she gets it wrong, misinforms, or speaks impatiently. I know this doesn’t reflect the surgeon’s attitude – the doctor is aware of what patients go through with a cancer diagnosis, and is planning a new practice that will reduce patient stress by consolidating various phases of testing & treatment together in one office. She even gave me her cell phone # in case I ever need to speak to her directly. But I have to deal with her receptionist sometimes in the course of treatment, so I try to make the best of it. When she “misses the mark,” I shake it off and thank God for a wonderful surgeon. (Imagine how grateful I was to find out the radiotherapy staff treats their patients like visiting royalty!)
This reminds me of how God works through human beings to heal and save lives: pastors, leaders & everyday Christians aren’t always perfect representatives of God's heart either, but He still uses us to get His work done. Sometimes we have to shake off an offense on the way to our healing.
Accuracy & Anesthetic
A good surgeon doesn't use a chainsaw or even a steak knife to cut anybody - human beings are delicate, so a doctor's tools are much more accurate and precise. And even with a scalpel, they don't normally cut you without anesthetic. They're trained to fix what's wrong, not hurt you.
I've often thought of this in terms of how God deals with us: yes, He addresses things that don't belong in our lives, cutting away what hinders or could destroy us if not removed... but He always operates in Love. He comforts, even as He prunes our lives [John 15] - perfectly. May God help us, as we interact with others, to speak accurate words of truth that are bathed in His beautiful love.
Bandages
After surgery, 2 small incisions were covered with soft, clean, white gauze pads to protect wounded areas while they healed. My discharge papers said I could remove the bandages after 24 hours, but I kept them on until Friday, because I still felt a little bit sore and didn’t want pull or tear anything by moving around too much too soon. After a few days, I felt “normal” enough to take them off.
During this vulnerable time, it also seemed good to protect myself from unnecessary stress or entanglements that tax my energy. I was careful who I told about my situation at first, so I wouldn’t feel pressured by other people’s emotions, advice, or troubling personal stories. I shared with a small circle of friends who pray, then immediate family, then – as I felt more peace & clarity on God’s direction – I was able to tell others, less concerned that their spiritual or emotional issues might affect me negatively. It’s OK to protect yourself sometimes, especially while you’re healing.
Resting in God’s Grace
Protecting yourself while you’re healing also requires REST. A friend who’s been through this type of surgery before said, wisely: “You can use your energy to heal, or you can spend it on a lot of other things.” That stuck with me, and I began to jealously guard my time & energy for things that matter, especially restoring and establishing health. I couldn’t run around in “overdrive” like I used to, working all day without a lunch break, or driving back & forth to church meetings several times a week. I had to listen to God about what to do or not do. There’s nothing like a season of weakness to remind us to “keep it simple,” stay in step with God’s grace, & lean on His strength.
I’m less likely to take on undue burdens than I was when I felt stronger - in fact, God is teaching me through all of this to set better limits, and manage my time & energy more wisely than before.
A visiting minister (who didn’t know anything about my health condition) gave me this timely and appropriate scripture verse as a personal prophetic word at church last weekend:
And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
[2 Corinthians 12:9 NKJ]
He also spoke the phrase “beauty for ashes” over me in prayer, which God offers in Isaiah 61:3.
To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."
[Isaiah 61:3 NKJ]
Follow-up
It’s been over 3 months now since the original mammogram, and it’ll be 2 more months before I finish those radiation treatments. After that, there will be follow-up appointments every 6 months or so for routine tests over the next few years. I’m making lifestyle changes that support good health – paying more attention to my diet, rest, exercise, stress level, etc. I notice I treasure my family, friends & the simple joys of life, in ways I didn’t fully appreciate before. Awareness of my own mortality has definitely changed my perspective on life, health & relationships for the better.
So “it is well with my soul,” and I’m looking forward to the future. I’ll keep you posted. :)
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