Testimony, Part 4D - God's Guidance

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."

[Isaiah 55:9]

"Now we know only a little, and even the gift of prophecy reveals little! But when the end comes, these special gifts will all disappear...Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now." [I Corinthians 13:9-10,12 NLT]

Continued from last week...
(see "Testimony, Part 4c - The Teabag is in the Tea" 9/22/10)

I am thankful for all of the ways God speaks, without which so many things in life would make hardly any sense at all. He speaks through scripture (primarily), nature, dreams, visions, ideas, circumstances, and spiritual gifts like words of wisdom and knowledge that may be perceived in our own “quiet time” or spoken to us by other people. All these types of “clues” or signposts are described in the Bible, although discerning them accurately can be a murky business. God is pure light and truth, but His wisdom is so multi-faceted and complex, our imperfect human nature barely sees one step at a time. In my next two postings (9/29 & 10/6), we’ll explore some “ups & downs” of learning to follow God’s pathway through this life.

Words of Warning

Mario and I getting back together after 25 years was the kind of love story everybody wanted to end with "happily ever after." Friends, family, co-workers, baristas at my neighborhood Starbucks and medical staff at Mario's treatment center - everyone wanted us to work out. Well, maybe not everyone.

A couple of weeks after I got back from Colorado, a church member asked how my trip went. While I was happily describing the events of last week's posting, I could almost see the little black cloud over her head, ominously preparing to "rain on my parade," as they say. "I've been praying for you," she said. "I have a word from God for you, and it’s not what you want to hear."

OK, first of all – that is not a good way to start "a prophetic word." Here's my problem with that kind of language: are you prophesying my reaction before you let me hear the message? Or is that a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you alienate me in advance so I won't want to hear whatever you say next? I'm just kidding - sort of. Here's what I really think: no word from God is ever negative; even if it's correction or re-direction, it is always loving and true and for my good. So bring it on! If it's really from God, of course I want to hear what my loving heavenly Father has to say to me.

This lady felt strongly that I shouldn’t be involved with Mario. She pointed out that he didn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and scripture forbids being “unequally yoked.” [II Corinthians 6:14 – 7:1] I tried to explain that I hadn't slept with him or married him, and that God might build on his Catholic faith, but she was adamant: I was way too involved and this was not a good idea, God would not put me together with someone who didn't really know Him. Her husband also questioned the pastor's wisdom in blessing my trip to Colorado. (This couple later left our church over differences with church leaders on other unrelated matters).

Some of you may wonder why I listened at all. God uses imperfect people. We can miss God's heart or tone or timing in any number of ways - that doesn't necessarily mean that everything about the message is false. So, just in case God is trying to speak to me through an imperfect human being, I've learned to take things to God and ask Him what to do with what was just said. I don't automatically accept or reject a “prophetic word” without praying. I simply ask Him.

As the scripture above this posting tells us, prophetic understanding gives us little glimpses of the truth. And that's exactly what God showed me about this situation: this lady had a piece of the truth, like 1/12th of a pie or 5 minutes on the face of a 60-minute clock. Her piece happened to be a "dark cloud" on what otherwise looked like a mostly beautiful horizon. And if she'd understood that her piece of the truth was just that, a piece of the truth (not the whole), she might have communicated differently. She might have felt less like everything about this relationship was wrong, and she might have taken a different tone. Her piece of the truth didn't negate the other 55 minutes on the clock or 11 other slices of God's "big picture" pie.

But it was a legitimate warning: Mario didn't know God the way I did, and his priorities - his ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving - were not submitted to the Holy Spirit. It's not that I was “perfect” or better than he was - it's that I was trying to follow Jesus (as best I knew how), and he barely knew Him. You can read about Abraham Lincoln in a history book or see President Obama on TV - that doesn't mean you know them. Mario didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, so how could he follow Him? "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" [Amos 3:3]

I knew that my heart was deeply attached to a man who hadn’t fully committed his heart to God, and the future we were hoping for was not guaranteed. I didn’t think God was asking me to give up or withdraw from someone I loved in the middle of his cancer treatment. All I could see to do at this point was continue to pray and hope for the best with Mario, keeping my focus on God as much as possible. Ultimately, the future of this relationship was not in my hands.

Sliding Down the Mountain

I had a dream at the end of December that helped me understand what began to happen in November – I’m telling it here because it helps to summarize the next two months. In the dream, I was staying at a motel across from Cheyenne mountain, which is at the south end of Colorado Springs and littered with radio towers. The mountainside was beginning to shift, and workmen in hardhats were feverishly constructing cinderblock walls around the base of a very large radio tower to prevent it from sliding down the mountain. As I looked up at the scene, it dawned on me, and I said aloud, “That is way too big a job for me!” I thought maybe I could bring some coffee to the workmen - help out in some small way - but I knew full well in that moment that preventing the ultimate landslide was way beyond my own individual ability.

Most people go through a process of “coming to the end of themselves” which causes them to recognize their need for God, and it can be hard for loved ones to watch that happen. I believe that Mario’s life was “sliding down the mountain” and I was trying to save him, at least in part, so that I could have his love in the end. Mario’s medical team, friends and family also wanted him to get well, but ultimately none of us could control what was happening in his life. And only one or two of them (that I knew of ) were committed Christians: an old friend from his radio days who’d retired and moved north – they met for lunch in November, although Mario reported no deep spiritual conversation – and his youngest sister, who lived in Florida.

During my visit to Colorado – while God had his attention and he was so thrilled to see me –Mario told me he hadn’t spoken to his sister in 3 years because she'd “preached” at him after she got saved, quoting “chapter and verse” from the Bible on every phone call. Softened by circumstances, he understood when I explained that this was her way of expressing her love for him, by caring about his soul. When she called in November and they reconnected, I was so relieved! It felt like “the cavalry” had arrived - reinforcements. I was getting weary.

Mario’s chemo went well for the first two months, but then the effects of weekly treatments began to accumulate. By Thanksgiving, his hemoglobin and energy level plummeted. He labored to breathe during our nightly phone calls, so talking began to feel like a burden. It was hard not to worry about his health, and there wasn't much either of us could do for the other long-distance. The relationship began to feel unsteady.

One day he called me “Pollyanna” for encouraging him to believe that God answers prayer - recalling the little girl who brought joy to a town full of bitter people, I said I was OK with that. But Mario became surly more often, losing patience as his energy and strength diminished. Anxiety distracted me from God's peace. I felt like I was carrying a 300-lb man, and I was getting “out of breath,” spiritually and emotionally. “Saving Mario” was way too big a task for me.

Considering his health issues, I wish I’d had the patience and objectivity to step back without fear - but I didn’t. On December 1 (of course I remember the exact date), his emails took a curt and sarcastic tone, so I called him that evening to see what was bothering him. My concern only frustrated him further, and I found myself asking, defensively, “Do we need to take a break?”

He hesitated for a moment, and then decided. “Yes,” he said angrily, “That’s a great idea!” and he hung up the phone. I had a terrible feeling he might never call me again.

Staying in the River

If Mario had been able to say, “Gina, I’m sorry, I love you but I’m feeling so sick, I just don’t have the energy for a long distance relationship right now” – it probably would have hurt a lot anyway. But here was another imperfect human being, and he was struggling for life and breath. Mario fired off 3 angry emails that sounded nothing like the man who had been my best friend every day for the last 3 ½ months, saying “Gina’s crazy*** feelings” were too much for him, and it was over.

I was devastated. In my mind’s eye, I kept seeing Mario losing his balance and toppling over as the rug was pulled out from under him, and I wondered if I had done that – God seemed to be telling me, “It’s not your fault.” Having my hopes raised so high then suddenly dashed, the grief was enormous – I did six sessions with a counselor in December-January. She explained about “transitional” relationships and, coincidentally, had been rejected by a close friend herself when her cousin’s cancer took a turn for the worse. In prayer, I lay on the floor and cried before the Lord, who spoke to me through Isaiah 42:3 of His profound mercy and grace: “He will not crush those who are weak or quench the smallest hope. He will bring full justice to all who have been wronged.” I hoped that God wasn’t finished with all of this, but Mario needed to rest and get through his treatment. I let him go, and continued to pray for him as a friend.

Between January and July 2007, I received 3 more emails from Mario. Each one was a health report in response to a friendly email inquiry from me. The first two arrived on January 24, after his PET scan: “Tumor is almost gone.” When I praised God and asked about further treatment, he replied: “Next phase is a chemo injection once a week for six weeks, then once a month for six months - then take another scan.” I felt he wanted me to keep praying.

I didn’t hear anything more from Mario until July 7, when he replied to another “how are you doing?” with 3 paragraphs that sounded like they were copied from an e-newsletter to his other friends. He was cancer-free! But, as I re-read his email, I noticed - between the lines of cheerful gratitude for his medical team and supportive friends – he was homebound, on oxygen 24/7, with fluid around his heart. Still hopeful that the aftereffects of chemo would resolve, he concluded, “I'm telling you, since you've been pulling for me.” Whether or not that line had also been addressed to others, I sensed he was thankful for my prayers and asking me to continue.

On Sunday, July 29, 2007 – after a church conference in Toronto – the words in the following paragraph were spoken to me by a member of the TACF prophetic team. The woman who said these words had never met me before, and I’d told her nothing about myself or my situation – I just lined up for ministry, and she spoke what she felt the Holy Spirit gave her to say to me. Because this was recorded on cassette – a practice which allows visitors to pray and evaluate prophetic words at home – I was able to transcribe verbatim here. I’m sharing this for two reasons: (1) it still amazes me, as I write this story, how accurately these simple words spoke encouragement, comfort, and strength for exactly where I was at that moment; and (2) it speaks in a general way to all of us about God's faithfulness to lead us through even our most incomprehensible circumstances, if only we will “stay in the river” - immersed and following the Holy Spirit - even when we don’t fully understand yet where He’s going, what He’s doing, or why:

“And what I saw was a picture of a river, and rivers don’t take a straight path, and I felt that that was representative of your walk, that you just ‘where am I going now’ kind of thing and ‘how come I’m going this way’…and the river curves around the land and weaves its way through the land, it isn’t a straight path, so I just want to encourage you that they’re not detours, that the Lord has a purpose with each turn and with each connection, and sometimes we don’t see it till we look back. When we’re in it, we just don’t see it, and we’re thinking that we’re wasting time, we’re thinking that we’re not getting to our destination, but the Lord’s pretty patient, a lot more patient than we are, and He takes His time working through us and in us, and developing what He wants to do along the way, so that we are ready when we get there. And I just want to encourage you to do with the river as well, to just stay in the river, to just stay in the river, and I mean that spiritually, to just follow where the Spirit is going and to just know that He has you in His hand, and He knows exactly what He’s doing and you haven’t missed it.”

To be continued…

-------------------------------------------------------

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

[Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJ]

Testimony, Part 4C - "The Teabag is in the Tea"

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
[Romans 5:5 NIV]

Therefore, thus says the LORD, "If you return, then I will restore you - before Me you will stand; and if you extract the precious from the worthless, you will become My spokesman. They for their part may turn to you, but as for you, you must not turn to them."

[Jeremiah 15:19 NAS]

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

[Psalm 147:3 NIV]

Continued from last week…
(see 9/15/10 "Testimony, Part 4B – Diamonds in the Dirt”)

The Price of Love

Love is always a risk - choosing to open our hearts in spite of the possibility of pain, injury or loss. I wasn't surprised that Mario liked Heather Clark's song "The Price of Love" (end of 9/15 posting) because he and I had discussed this even in our twenties, when we fought so hard against our pain with only human love as a weapon. It's what the lyrics to "Heart on My Sleeve" were all about - choosing to love anyway, even though "you tend to get burned, you tend to get bruised" and so on.

Risk is not necessarily reckless - choosing to risk getting hurt doesn't mean you haven't thought things through or wisely counted the cost. Mario remarked in those early weeks that, because we both had young adult children, we shouldn't be "reckless" - the next day he admitted to looking online at home prices in the Northern Virginia area where I lived ("Holy cow!" he wrote - definitely more expensive than Colorado). I laughed that just looking wasn't reckless, it was kinda cute; of course, acting on that idea so soon would have scared the daylights out of both of us!

Mario was processing residual feelings from our previous relationship as well as the possibility of hurting me if he didn't survive. He'd recovered fairly well from the stroke - he said his right side felt cold and slightly numb but not paralyzed - his eyesight and typing speed weren't the greatest, but his mind and heart were very much alive. The cancer prognosis was not necessarily fatal - it was serious, but there was a treatment plan (6 to 8 weeks of radiation, 4 months of chemo followed by another PET scan), and the medical team did not discourage his hope for a full recovery.

I sobbed after our first phone call, but not because I thought he would die. As I said last week, faith for healing was easy for me. But Mario touched my heart in places that hadn't been touched in a very long time, and that was frightening at first. I didn't realize how much the pain of divorce had "shut down" my emotions. It was shocking to hear the voice of a man I had loved as a very young woman, exclaiming, "I was crazy about you! I still drink coffee because of you!" I hadn't mattered that much to anyone in many years. I prayed with a couple of Christian friends who encouraged me to allow God to open my heart and heal, even though it was really uncomfortable and a little scary at times.

I like the “alabaster box” model of Christianity (Mark 14:3-8) – giving my all for God (who is Love), no matter what the cost, is a way of life for me. So my biggest issue with "risk vs. recklessness" was wanting to be sure that I was in the will of God. For example, I had planned to go on a mission trip to Guatemala in September, but now I felt a sense of urgency to visit Mario, who was facing life-threatening illness with only the faintest knowledge of Christ. He respected the Catholic traditions of his Latin upbringing, but hadn't formally practiced any religion since adolescence. There was a team going to Guatemala, and another team of friends and medical professionals assembling to help Mario through his cancer treatment - what was my “mission” going to be this year?

A friend who prayed with me at church said, "Wow, wherever God is sending you, I feel that you are definitely going in the power of the Holy Spirit!" My pastor preached that day about Jesus taking His disciples out on the sea, "God will send you into a storm..." When I heard those words, somehow I knew I needed to go to Colorado, to share God’s Love and pray with my dear friend in person. Although my heart was involved both personally and spiritually – honestly? I was willing to get my heart broken if necessary, if I could help in any way to be sure of Mario’s salvation.

"The Teabag is in the Tea"

As I made plans to go to Colorado for a week at the end of September, I was concerned about the tension I felt “between soul and spirit" (Hebrews 4:12). It wasn’t a matter of physical temptation – I would be staying with Christian friends and visiting Mario during the day - he and I were clear that there wasn’t going to be any immorality. But the intensity of renewed emotions combined with the seriousness of his health issues created a sense of urgency – God’s Love invaded my heart and it was hard to tell the difference between His Spirit and my humanity. Church people will tell you to “guard your heart” and that “missionary dating” (trying to share the gospel when you’re romantically involved) doesn’t usually work. My pastor released me to go, but advised me not to let my heart go beyond the Holy Spirit’s leading; because of my history with Mario, I was afraid our hearts were already there.

The pastor’s sermon about God sending you into a storm was, “Sometimes God will lead you into a storm to expose what’s in your heart.” Do you think the Son of God didn’t know the weather was about to turn ugly when Jesus took His friends out on that boat? Sometimes God will send you into a storm to refine your faith; sometimes He has to expose what's in your heart so He can heal it. One thing I learned through all of this is that God is the ultimate “multi-tasker” – He’s always doing way more than one thing at a time! And He almost never does things the way we think He should.

As I wrestled with these issues, a dear friend who’d been praying for me said she felt that God wanted her to share an odd-sounding prophetic word: "The teabag is in the tea," she said. I understood immediately: God’s Love is poured out into our fleshy human hearts, and it isn’t always possible to separate His Love from ours. I would have to allow God’s Spirit to work both in me and through me, in spite of my discomfort, relying on Him step by step for wisdom and guidance. “And enjoy the journey,” she said. “God is going to surprise you with many beautiful gifts along the way.”

God's Masterpiece

I’d forgotten, in the 25 years since I’d left, how much the Colorado Springs landscape looks like a postcard almost anywhere you go. (We used to joke about how the college catalog managed to include Pike’s Peak in every photo.) Every day of that week in September 2006 was like new brushstrokes being added to a beautiful painting - God's masterpiece.

Mario and I had both stayed busy with work and raising our children after our (separate) divorces; neither of us had really dated for many years, so this visit was like a series of “first dates,” with a fairytale quality due to the connection and contrast between past and present. How cool was it for me, at almost 49 years old, to hear the guy who knew me when I was his 22 year old “hot girlfriend” (when he first said those words, I wondered who he was talking about! LOL) say that I was honestly more beautiful now and that I looked so much happier. Mario had known an unsaved Gina who used to smoke and curse “like punctuation” – seeing me, still “me” but now a Christian woman full of light and love, arriving just as his life had been looking so bleak… he told my friends, who invited him over for dinner, “God certainly has my attention!”

On our first day we drove to a south Denver Costco (I work for Costco and he’d never been to one), laughing all the way there and back. While he drove, I asked him 114 questions from those email questionnaires usually shared among female friends - you know, what’s your favorite food, movie, TV show - I figured it wasn’t “a guy thing” and his typing wasn’t fast enough to answer online anyway. Mario grew up in Brooklyn and Queens, so his answers combined New York City sarcasm (Q. “What’s your favorite brand of clothing?” Mario: “Vapid question. Ask a model!”) with his buoyant love for life (Q. “What’s your favorite sound?” Mario: “Jackhammers” – he’d recently enjoyed helping his contractor tear out a botched patio – “and the sound of little children laughing” – his neighbor did home daycare, and he loved hearing their voices in the air as they played, unseen, in her backyard).

We visited places we'd been before – apartments I’d lived in when we dated; a scenic overlook where we used to admire city lights spread out like jewels on black velvet; and the college radio station, where I wrote on the autograph wall, “Gina ’80, back with Mario in 2006.” He also took me to new places: into the mountains, along Phantom Canyon Road and 11-Mile Reservoir, where he’d enjoyed ice-fishing with his son - this was not the city-bred Mario I’d known before! He’d learned to appreciate vast peaceful places that were bigger than he was, where he said he “felt God” more than in man-made environments which he tended to dominate.

And God was definitely touching Mario all week long. Some days I spent hours just listening – Mario wasn’t a fan of counseling, and he’d stored up a lot of hurts and regrets over the years. I sat quietly in God’s Presence while he talked, and let the Holy Spirit be his Counselor. (Each time that happened, he called to thank me later - I realized I hadn’t done or said much at all, but he felt tremendous relief and peace.) I prayed with him for healing. I asked if he believed that Jesus Christ was his Savior and he said, “Absolutely!” I gave him a paperback Message New Testament, endorsed by Bono on the back cover – that was funny to us, because Mario had taken me to Denver’s Rainbow Music Hall to see U2 on their first U.S. tour in 1981. He said he would read it and try to get to know God better.

In spite of our deep affection, Mario and I didn't "fool around" because we knew this was a serious relationship. We talked about the possibility of a future together, and Mario asked about my “bottom line” – what was “non-negotiable” for me. I knew it had to do with faith, and fulfilling God’s call on my life. No matter how much I cared about Mario, we would have to be sufficiently “on the same page” spiritually that we would walk together in whatever God wanted us to do for the rest of our lives. Mario loved children and spoke fluent Spanish, so he could picture himself going with me on mission trips to Central America; but we both knew there were differences between his vague Catholicism and my fiery Pentecostal passion. We were open to the idea that God can put people together whose gifts are not identical but complementary; however, we needed to be sure we were honestly walking with God in the same direction, so we wouldn’t trip one another up along the way.

After I got home, Mario started calling me every night to talk for at least an hour. Having been single for years, it was nice to have someone care how your day went! On my 49th birthday in October, he sent roses to my office. The chemo was going well, with minimal side effects. Our plan was that he would come east and visit me after his treatment was finished. I was waiting on God to work it all out.

To be continued…

-------------------------------------------------

But this precious treasure -- this light and power that now shine within us -- is held in perishable containers, that is, in our weak bodies. So everyone can see that our glorious power is from God and is not our own. [II Corinthians 4:7 NLT]

-------------------------------------------------------

Would you believe that all the world’s become His treasure, and you’re the greatest of them all? Would you believe that when He looks into your eyes He sees the passion and the prize?

Do you see, do you hear, can you feel when He’s near? You’re the pearl He came to find.

And I have searched the world to find you – look unto the Son and you will see that

I gave all I had to buy you – look unto the Son – Would you believe? Would you believe?

Do you see, do you hear, can you feel when He’s near? You’re the pearl He came to find.

“Pearl of Great Price” song by Heather Clark

Testimony, Part 4B - Diamonds in the Dirt

I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

[Isaiah 45:3 NIV]

-------------------------------------

Therefore, thus says the LORD, "If you return, then I will restore you - before Me you will stand; and if you extract the precious from the worthless, you will become My spokesman. They for their part may turn to you, but as for you, you must not turn to them." [Jeremiah 15:19 NAS]

---------------------------------------

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

[Psalm 147:3 NIV]

Continued from last week… (see 9/8/10 "Testimony, Part 4A - Longing for Love")

Soul Ties

Last week I described how "ungodly soul ties" occur when people join themselves to one another outside of God's parameters for that relationship. “Soul ties” are strong mental, emotional, and/or spiritual bonds between two people that can be either positive or negative – some relationships involve both. Ungodly soul ties can operate like a “curse” where neither party is free to be the person God created them to be. A godly soul tie – like the Biblical example of friendship between David and Jonathan [I Samuel 20:17] – strengthens each person to walk in their God-given identity and establishes blessings which may continue even into future generations [2 Samuel 9].

Mario and I experienced a lot of torment and inability to let go of one another when we broke up in 1981. A few months after I moved to Denver, he called me in the middle of the night, crying (?! - unusual for him) because he’d been out with a woman who wasn’t me; I’d moved on and had no idea how to respond to that, so I said, “I’m sorry, goodbye” and quickly hung up the phone. Months later I tried to make amends for my part in our relationship, but by then he was pretending he’d never cared about me at all. Like many of us who don't know what to do with our pain, we gradually buried our hurts and closed our hearts to one another. Unfortunately, this kind of “human survival instinct” isn’t the same as real forgiveness, real freedom or real healing.

In a few weeks, we'll go back to September 1981 and pick up the story of how this painful breakup propelled me to seek real recovery and, eventually, a relationship with God. This week, let’s fast-forward to 2006, when God surprised me by revisiting this relationship and using “godly soul ties” and the power of His Love to restore our mixed-up human hearts.

Diamonds in the Dirt

When I gave my life to Christ in January 1982, I became a “new creation” [II Corinthians 5:17] – my past sins were forgiven and cleansed, and I had a fresh new start in life! Eventually I heard teaching on “soul ties” and prayed over previous relationships as outlined at the end of last week’s posting. After that, I never really thought about Mario any more – we both went on to marry other people, and I was no longer in bondage to him or to the past.

One day “out of the blue” in August 2006, I thought of Mario for the first time in 25 years. As I wondered ‘whatever happened to…’ - you guessed it, I googled him. A local Colorado newspaper reported that he’d just lost his job at the radio station in July – after 26 years, the college failed to renew his contract as station manager and let him go. In that interview, he mentioned that the job had lasted longer than his marriage, so I figured he was divorced – and, the fact that touched me most in that article, he’d had a stroke the previous December.

Most people who know me well are aware that I strongly believe “nothing is impossible with God” [Luke 1:37], so radical faith for salvation, healing and miracles comes very “naturally” to me (that’s part of my “new” spiritual nature in Christ!). There was no clear information on internet as to what level of disability or recovery had followed the stroke – I found some photos from a few years earlier that looked terribly unhappy and more overweight than ever, and I felt sad for him. I couldn’t imagine losing a job that had defined his identity for so many years – he’d built that radio station from a part-time volunteer student hobby to a major NPR presence in the region – and I felt very concerned about his health… and his spiritual condition.

I asked my pastor’s wife and two other friends to cover me in prayer – I had no intention of opening doors to the past and rekindling any old romantic flames. Based on his appearance in those photos, I didn’t think that would pose a problem! I wrote a short email to Mario’s successor at the radio station, saying I was an old friend who wanted to know how he was doing. My email was forwarded to Mario, who replied the day he received it, “Gina: it’s been a long time. I would be happy to hear how life treated you.” I responded with an update, he replied, and immediately we began a daily email correspondence that would continue for the next several months.

Of course, physical attractiveness never had anything to do with my affection for Mario – he’d always been overweight, although he took better care of himself in 1980-81 than he had since then. His ebullient personality, street-smart wit and (soon) his voice on the phone were all so familiar. Neither of us had really opened our hearts to anyone since our marriages had ended - Mario’s ex-wife had left him 6 years prior and was now remarried; my ex-husband had left in 1993 and died of alcoholism in 2004. The first Sunday after we reconnected by email, he called me on the phone and we talked for three hours! It was, in Mario’s words, “scary good.”

Interesting coincidence: in the first few weeks of our renewed communication, a little Sago palm tree in my office – normally about 18 to 24 inches in height and diameter – sprouted two new branches that grew in those few weeks to over 3 and 4 feet tall! Our regional plant buyer was so curious that she asked the vendor about it; the vendor said this kind of sudden growth was highly unusual but sometimes happens - I think it may have had something to do with my erratic watering, the poor plant was just so thirsty it shot up fast once it got a good drink?

Like that little potted palm, communication and emotional intimacy between Mario and I grew rapidly. Psychologists say this is fairly common for the first serious (“transitional”) relationship after divorce, no matter how many years have passed since the marriage ended. People who are just opening their hearts again after having been “shut down” by great pain and discouragement may be vulnerable to fantasy and lacking emotional balance. In addition, Mario and I both had family histories that included alcoholism, which can lead to “savior behavior” or wanting to rescue another person. Real factors, no doubt; but there truly seemed to be something more going on here.

It was as if the raw materials of our previous relationship had migrated underground and been transformed, by the passage of time and all that we’d each lived through during the quarter century in between, into something solid and lasting. As diamonds are created under the earth through eons of pressure and temperature changes, then brought to the surface by volcanic eruptions – I felt as if God was showing me there was real love in this relationship, forced to the surface by various crises in Mario’s life (job loss, health issues, etc). This “new” love was as different from what we’d experienced in 1980-81 as carbon is from diamonds; this was related to that, but it hadn’t existed as “real love” until now. As we swept aside the “dirt” of our past hurts, weaknesses and failures - something solid, clear and beautiful was revealed.

I'll explain further in future postings, but for now I just want to clarify that one of the primary reasons I asked my pastor’s wife to pray in advance is that the Bible warns against romantic attachments or soul ties between God’s people and unbelievers (for example, II Corinthians 6:14-7:1, I Kings 11:2, etc). When I came to Christ, I was “buried in baptism” (Romans 6) and resurrected into a whole new way of life. I had no desire to “go back” to anything from the past. But I couldn’t help the urgent sense of concern I felt for Mario; as a Christian full of God’s Holy Spirit - love and power - I believed there was something I should be able to do or pray for him.

These days, internet applications like Google and Facebook make all kinds of “reconnections” possible – and this can be a good thing, as long as we are led by God’s Spirit and following Him. God doesn’t want us to “go back” to the past or to a carnal, worldly identity - but sometimes there is restoration work that needs to be done before we can truly “go forward” with Him.

I believe God knew there were good things He’d created in me, and some of those were buried in the past. It’s a common religious error – when I turned away from past sins, I also shut the door on some things God wanted to restore. When the potter recreates his marred clay vessel in Jeremiah 18:1-6, he doesn’t discard the clay - he starts over again, using the original material. We aren’t “born again” to be faceless religious clones; God breaks the power of sin, gives us a fresh start and then works in our lives to restore true identity. We don’t put on some ill-fitting suit of religious clothing and pretend to be something we’re not; in Christ, we are set free to become who we truly are.

There is one important piece of information I deliberately did not include above when I described how we got back in touch, because I felt that most readers would not have been able to look beyond this circumstance the way Mario and I did when we first reconnected. It was a big factor that faded next to the brilliance of newly (re-)discovered love. Mario’s hope and my faith were so strong that we sailed past this information like a dirty little rest stop along the highway to a glorious new future:

On the very day we exchanged our first friendly words in 25 years – later that same afternoon - Mario included me on a second email to five of his closest friends, letting us know that the biopsy results he’d just received that morning showed that the tumor in his lung was malignant.

To be continued…

-------------------------------------------------

I sent Mario a mix CD when we first got back in touch that included the song below. He said he’d stopped listening to music for enjoyment and that music had become “all about business” for the last several years - I was out to disprove his theory that all Christian worship was too “white bread” for his musical palate. He liked “Price of Love,” which didn’t surprise me at all.

I have seen a million miles of desert land
and I have learned to be free
And I have walked the shadowlands of Egypt
and I have learned to be free
And I have held the mane of untamed horses
and I have learned to be free
And I have walked on frozen lakes in my soul
and I have learned to be free

And I have known the price of love
And given all I have for a moment’s time with you
And I have died a thousand times
… and I have learned to be free.

“Price of Love” song by Heather Clark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_err4uldrx4

To buy the song or Best of Heather Clark CD:
http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/collect-the-years/id253284305


And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
[I Corinthians 13:13 NIV]

Testimony, Part 4A - Longing for Love

Now Joshua was dressed in filthy clothes as he stood before the angel. The angel said to those who were standing before him, "Take off his filthy clothes." Then he said to Joshua, "See, I have taken away your sin, and I will put rich garments on you."

[Zechariah 3:3-4 NIV]

Therefore, thus says the LORD, "If you return, then I will restore you - before Me you will stand; and if you extract the precious from the worthless, you will become My spokesman. They for their part may turn to you, but as for you, you must not turn to them."

[Jeremiah 15:19 NAS]

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

[Psalm 147:3 NIV]

As I contemplated telling the next part of my story, it felt a little like "airing dirty laundry," until I remembered that Jesus specializes in washing and making our lives clean and whole again. It involves a personal relationship that fell short of scriptural ideals in 1980-81; yet God revisited and restored many things through a "2nd chapter" that took place 25 years later. I hope that telling this story about how I experienced God's healing love in the midst of a complex, flawed and very human relationship will help to bring clarity and freedom to others who wrestle with similar issues.

When I stopped drinking in March 1980, I had no support system and no recovery program, so for the next 18 months I substituted new addictions. Without the empty calories I’d been drinking, I dropped about 30 lbs in a month and was ravenously hungry - not just for food, but for the love and affirmation I’d always craved. Until then, I’d handled most social situations with alcohol, so I found myself overeating at parties or just stayed home. I enjoyed the athletic discipline of jogging and dance classes, and became obsessed with physical fitness and attractiveness that gave me a sense of “power” or protection in this unfamiliar new world of sobriety.

Having graduated college with no idea what to do next, I took a job at a local bookshop for minimum wage, signed up for 3 dance classes per week (ballet, jazz, & modern) and went jogging every other evening. I was 22 years old and lonely, but I was in good shape! In retrospect, it seems to me that in my twenties, about 98% of my energy was devoted to how I looked or what other people thought of me - and I expected what they thought of me to be highly dependent on how I looked!

I was walking through the busy student center on my way back from the gym, long hair freshly blown dry, wearing red satin gym shorts and my usual aloof expression for self-protection. Suddenly a loud male voice called out across the hall, "That girl has the most beautiful hair I've ever seen!" Wondering who would dare to be so bold, I turned around to see an overweight, scruffy-looking "older" (27 year old) man coming downstairs from the college radio station with a classmate of mine who introduced him as Mario, the station manager. I thought he was incredibly rude and not very attractive, but he certainly got my attention. He told me later that was exactly what he intended - he'd noticed me before on my way to dance class and was determined to break through that aloofness he thought was "cool."

Mario had a lot of girlfriends before me – he’d married young and his teenage wife left him two years before we met, so he was definitely "playing the field." He had a real job (architectural designer) and a car (lots of college students didn't) and a fantastic record collection - radio was his hobby until the housing market crashed later that year and he took the station manager job full-time. He was jovial, popular, born in Cuba, and (as he still recalled a quarter of a century later) crazy about me. I was not at all interested in being just another one of his many conquests, so he had to woo me a little: he took me out for delightful meals, talked endlessly on the phone, and dedicated a song to me on his radio show at midnight. (Yeah, I admit, that one got to me - it was "Heart On My Sleeve" by Bryan Ferry - LOL.) He stopped seeing all the other girls and, eventually, we moved in together.

I'm not saying that to recommend it - in fact, quite the opposite. Mario and I didn’t know anything about God’s wisdom (see last week’s posting) so we had no idea how to conduct a healthy love relationship. I Corinthians 6:15-20 says that sexual intimacy makes two people "one flesh," whether they are married or not. That's one reason so many people have trouble letting go of old relationships - Mario didn't want to be with his ex-wife anymore, but somehow he was unable to fully forgive and be free of her. And why so many breakups feel like tearing apart your own flesh - because, according to scripture, that's essentially what's happening. We can numb ourselves with alcohol or drugs, close our minds or harden our hearts - but this is how the Creator says He created us: when we join our bodies with another person, we are also joining our souls.

Scriptural instructions for relationships put a lot of restrictions on sexual activity. Is God some kind of cosmic killjoy or squeamish prude who just doesn't want us having any fun? Far from it: God invented sex! Ever read Song of Solomon in the Bible? God is the ultimate Lover. When we give ourselves to another person, God wants us to enjoy the whole love package: intimacy, respect, honor, joy, promise, fulfillment AND passion. I like how Tony Evans says it: "Fire in the fireplace is a wonderful thing; fire in the curtains is a problem."

Mario and I were definitely "fire in the curtains" - passionate, combustible people with loads of insecurities. We loved, we fought, we broke up, we got back together, and so on. During one of our breakups, I cut my hair short for the first time since my mother butchered it in 5th grade (which was why it was so long and well cared-for) as if to say, "No man will ever get me with a line like that again!" Finally, after 18 months of trying to love and tearing our souls apart over and over again, I moved to Denver and enrolled in paralegal school, hoping to establish a new life on my own.

I'm not writing this to moralize; most of us can relate to being imperfect human beings with God-given desires, trying to meet our own needs without benefit of God's instructions, and hindered by the residue of past pain as well. Mario didn't want to get married because he'd been hurt so badly by divorce; no matter how much he loved me, I always felt like "second best" and somehow dishonored by that. We had a lot of baggage on both sides that neither of us knew how to deal with; just getting married wouldn't have solved our problems either – we didn’t know God, so our source of love was each other, and people make lousy gods.

Whether we intend to or not, when we join ourselves with another person we open ourselves up to a lot of unseen influences. Both people bring their mental, emotional, and spiritual stuff into the "oneness" of physical union. Covenant relationships like marriage or godly friendship should empower people to share good things within the protections of committed love, where negative things can also be addressed with God's help. And God's Word provides freedom, forgiveness and healing for all of the many ways we fall short. But ignoring God's laws is sort of like choosing not to believe in the laws of physics - gravity works, whether we understand or intend or desire its results... or not.

After I became a Christian in 1982, I prayed a prayer like the one at the end of this posting to break "ungodly soul ties" - those bondages of mind, will and emotion that can happen through broken marriages, past sexual unions, even imbalanced friendships or family relationships. Declaring our repentance, forgiveness, and freedom by faith in the authority of Jesus' Name can bring powerful breakthroughs and healing – which is why I’ve included the prayer below. It’s a great starting point, although we still need to ask God's guidance in how to walk out His will day by day for each specific situation and relationship in our lives.

As I said above, writing this story made me feel vulnerable, but I think it's important to tell "real life" stories so that we don’t sterilize our testimony while the gap between religion and reality gets wider and wider all the time. Sometimes religious people oversimplify - pray this little prayer, do these ten steps, or whatever. God is a real God who brings real healing to real people. The prayer below is powerful, but there's a lot more to letting God heal our hearts and bring our relationships into balance, and there's a whole lot more to this story...

God’s idea of “happily ever after” is higher and better than anything we can come up with on our own, and He is more than willing to lead us there. Are we willing to seek and follow Him on that path, one little human step at a time? As we’ll see in next week's posting, our willingness to walk in God’s will for our relationships can have eternal consequences.

To be continued...

-----------------------------------------------

Prayer to Break Ungodly Soul Ties

The model prayer below, from Chester & Betsy Kylstra’s book Biblical Healing & Deliverance, can be helpful in breaking unseen influences that hinder us from experiencing God’s best for our lives. Sincerely speaking this prayer over each relationship where there may be ungodly influences or soul ties – even if the other person is deceased, or to bring a current relationship into divine order – can help us to walk in the freedom Christ purchased for us on the Cross.

Father, in the Name of Jesus, I submit myself completely to You. I confess all of my emotional and sexual sins, as well as my ungodly soul ties. I choose to forgive each person with whom I have had an ungodly soul tie [be specific].

I ask You, Lord, to forgive me for my sin that resulted in ungodly soul ties. Lord, I receive Your forgiveness. Thank You for forgiving me and for cleansing me.

I choose to forgive myself for this involvement. I will no longer be angry at myself, hate myself or punish myself.

Lord, I break my ungodly soul ties with [insert name]. I release myself from him/her and I release him/her from me. As I do this, Lord, I pray that you would cause him/her to be all that You want him/her to be, and that You would cause me to be all that You want me to be.

Lord, please cleanse my mind from all memories of ungodly unions so I am totally free to give myself to You and to my spouse.

I renounce and cancel the assignments of all evil spirits attempting to maintain these ungodly soul ties.

Lord, thank You for restoring my soul to wholeness. I choose to walk in holiness by Your grace. In the Name of Jesus Christ, I pray. Amen!

Testimony, Part 3 - Wisdom & Joy

“O LORD my God… I am like a little child who doesn't know his way around.” [I Kings 3:7 NLT]

At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "Who is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?" He called a little child and had him stand among them. And He said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in My name welcomes Me.” [Matthew 18:1-5 NIV]

Last week, I promised to explain why I was so much younger than my classmates and able to spend an extra year of high school in France. First, my October birth date allowed me to start school on the young side of the year. In addition, my mother co-founded the first Montessori school in the Washington, D.C. area – as her oldest child, I was one of the first students at that school. Maria Montessori [1870-1952] taught, among other things, that children have an amazing capacity to learn during their first six years of life; so, nine years before Sesame Street came to television, I was introduced to foreign languages and learned to read at the age of three.

I played with button and zipper frames and other Montessori-designed materials originally developed in her Children’s Houses, which taught preschoolers to care for themselves and older children to help with the younger ones. Montessori encouraged guided learning and self-motivation - the teacher helped only when the child really needed help. Now I’m not knocking Dr. Montessori or my mother, both of whom no doubt had very positive intentions for child development; but I also can't help noticing how convenient this type of learning might have been for the oldest of six siblings in a busy household!

When I started Kindergarten in 1962, I was 4 years old (almost 5). While the other children were playing with blocks and toys, I made a beeline for the bookshelf and read all the books in the room by mid-October. So the teacher met with my mother and the principal, and – just as I turned 5 - they put me in first grade, where the class was just beginning to read. A year and a half younger than my classmates and not having been present for instructions given in September, I tried to follow how things worked in the classroom – for example, when the kids lined up to get milk for lunch, I got in line with the rest of them.

This worked OK until one day there wasn’t enough milk to go around, and the teacher loudly accused someone of taking milk who wasn’t supposed to. I didn’t know that parents had paid for milk at the beginning of the year, and up until that day there had always been an absent student whose milk went to me. The teacher was sorry she’d embarrassed me so publicly, but I continued to feel as if other people knew what was going on better than I did until, as a Christian adult, I realized that apart from God’s wisdom most people more or less guess their way through life on a daily basis.

There's a big difference between knowledge and wisdom, and neither replaces our inborn human need for love and joy. In retrospect, I think that until I came to know God and follow Him, my life was like a beautiful jigsaw puzzle with the pieces all mixed up. Incredible gifts and opportunities were mixed with deep feelings of loneliness, pain, insecurity and confusion. (See previous postings on 8/17 & 8/24 for background.) After I returned from France, my desire to excel academically – my primary source of measurable approval – continued to compete with intense off-and-on “partying,” i.e. an equally strong desire for freedom, happiness and belonging.

Although I eventually graduated at the top of my college class – Summa cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa, B.A. in Philosophy – I practically drank myself to death a few times along the way. My addiction to academic achievement actually helped bring an end to those drinking years, when I finally had to choose between having another beer or writing my senior thesis.

That thesis really annoyed my academic advisor – a secular Jewish feminist expert in post-modern linguistic philosophy – because I hinted at God’s existence. I couldn’t help it: I simply had no other way to explain how, after 10 years of battling with drinking problems off and on, I woke up one morning in March 1980 and knew that I knew that I knew it would never work for me and it was time to stop. I felt empty and yet somehow peaceful, as the troubling question of alcohol was simply and finally settled - supernaturally, it seemed. I was beginning to sense God's hand in my life, although I would not acknowledge His Name for another 18 months, and it would take years of healing before I really learned to how to "play" and experience His joy.

So I went from being one of Friedrich “God is dead” Nietzsche’s biggest fans to writing my senior philosophy thesis on "creative self-understanding," using the ancient Greek oracle at Delphi as an analogy for how life presents opportunities and our responses shape our destiny. (Phew – that was a mouthful :) After I became a Christian I decided that trying to explain God without the Bible is always a lot more complicated than it needs to be!)

My advisor, who had previously taught at Harvard and sat on their admissions board, was annoyed by my newfound and therefore vague spirituality. “Are you saying there is a God?” she asked me, sounding irritated. “Maybe…I’m not sure,” I replied honestly. She contributed a "minus" to the A on my thesis, then read me an amazing letter of recommendation she’d written about me for graduate school (to which I never did commit) to show how frustrated she was that I didn’t have more confidence in myself.

One of my favorite philosophy professors used to question whether the Greek word philosophía should be translated “love of wisdom” or “the wisdom of love.” Although he claimed to be an atheist, that may have been a wonderful God-given thought! As I look back, the ability to use God's many gifts in my life began to fall into place as I learned to connect with His Love and wisdom.

In recent years, I’ve also experienced more joy – a restoration of childlike simplicity, the ability to “play,” have fun and enjoy life. On two separate occasions prophetic ministers have spoken words to me that confirmed, without my having told them in advance, a “mental picture” I had of myself as a little girl running and playing in a field with Jesus. One pastor said, after praying for me, “Some people need a lot of fences and restrictions, but I see you like a child running and playing in an open field, as God gives you freedom and joy.”

A few years ago, the church I attend started a school of ministry. People were excited about taking mid-week Bible classes, but I found it difficult to attend due to timing and traffic en route from where I live and work. I was feeling stressed by all the busy-ness and a little bit "left out." As I was praying, I "saw" myself again in the field with Jesus, but this time I had buried my head in my arms on His knees, occasionally glancing back over my shoulder nervously (He was seated, and I was trying to rest and hide at the same time). I was tired, and didn't want to look at the enormous harvest all around me - it looked like a lot of work. In that picture, Jesus seemed to smile and say to me, “Oh no, we’ll do it together, and it will be FUN!”

About a month ago, a visiting minister prayed over me at an altar call, “You’re going to have a lot of FUN doing what God has called you to do, teaching others how to walk with Him with joy. I see you smiling as you serve up what you're learning, scooping it up and dishing it out, like a happy little ice cream scooper at a party!” Then she laughed – come to think of it, most of the truly serious prophetic words I've been given over the years have almost always come with laughter...

By the way, writing this blog is FUN for me. Does it taste like ice cream to you? :)

Start with GOD - the first step in learning is bowing down to GOD; only fools thumb their noses at such wisdom and learning. [Proverbs 1:7 MSG]

Wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her; happy are those who hold her tightly. [Proverbs 3:18 NLT]

Thus says the Lord: "Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, let not the mighty man glory in his might, nor let the rich man glory in his riches; but let him who glories glory in this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord, exercising lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth. For in these I delight," says the Lord. [Jeremiah 9:23-24 NKJ]